America Needs Something to Wash Away the Poo

Sweet merciful Christ do I suck at this daily blogging!
I have once again been away for too long my friends, and I do apologize to all of my regular readers. I was on in the big show several times this week, which of course I love, but which was also time that I thought was going to be available for writing.
Then I got distracted by our governor's ho bagging scandal, had a couple of dates, and that basically killed the beginning of the week for me.
But fear not my friends, I am here! And I have returned to you with many new adventures to share, and more obnoxious drivel to douse you with.
So here is what is pissing me off this week:

1) SpitzerGate. For those of you not in the know, our governor here in the great state of New York, Eliot Spitz-on-His-wife-n-kids has been caught in a massive scandal of high end prostitution. FUN! Apparently Eliot felt it necessary to spend upwards of $80,000 on whores over the past several years. Now here's the thing y'all. I don't have a problem with hookers. Some of my closest friends have been hookers (true story.) But $80,000 Eliot? For real? I don't know what kind of creepy shit you have to be into to spend that kind of dough. But my bet is that he dresses up as a "My Little Pony" and has girls feed him oats while they brush his sparkly purple mane and he neighs in delight. I'm thinking it's a bald guy thing. It's just a theory, but I'm telling you if they find a long purple wig in his office, then I am a fucking God.

2) Speaking of Gods the number two thing pissing me off today is Scientology. This anger stems from this awesome cartoon series that I recently discovered called Y.A.A.F.M. which stands for "You are all Fucking Morons." The series skewers various topics ranging from 50 Cent to the afore mentioned "religion" Scientology. It breaks down the fundamental beliefs of this "religion" to demonstrate that even a six year old with Down's syndrome would not be stupid enough to buy into this crap. Do you guys actually know the dogma of Scientology? Yeah, neither did I. Watch this video and let the cartoons lay it out for you. As far as I can tell they make a hell of a lot more sense than anything L. Ron Hubbard ever said or wrote. http://www.zipperfish.com/toons/yaafm/yaafm-11-scientology/
The link is for this particular episode, but I would also HIGHLY recommend that you take a look at the episode on Muslims. I would post that link here too, but I love my family, and I really want to live.

3) Numero Tres! A friend pointed this out to me recently, and it made me so angry that I actually threw up in my mouth a little. Werner Herzog is a wonderful filmmaker, and among his many theatrical triumphs is a fantastic 2005 documentary titled Grizzly Man. This is a brutal film documenting the life and death of Timothy Treadwell, a man who chose to spend his life living, and (surprise, surprise) eventually dying amongst the wild grizzly bears of the Alaskan Wilderness. At the release party for the film Werner's wife Lena made a statement to the San Francisco Chronicle regarding the "Disneyfication" of nature programming.

"Werner's beautiful, formidable Siberian wife, describes an agreement made a few years ago between television's two nature giants -- National Geographic and the Discovery Channel: When showing animals mating, show no more than three thrusts. 'Three! ' Lena cries, incensed. 'Now they are censoring the animals! And,' she continues, in the hushed tones of a spy, 'in the last year we noticed the thrusts have been reduced to one. One thrust!'"

So the animals can't even have sex now? Jesus Herschel Christ people, are we fucking serious? We can't even watch animals mate on nature programs without having to feel bad about it now? I don't know about you guys, but nary a day goes by when I am not watching Nature on PBS and furiously masturbating. What is nature supposed to be dirty... perverted? Anyone believe I am going to run out and commit a sex crime because the sight of two Rhinos humping on NGC just blew my fucking mind? I suppose the morons who made these decisions were thinking of the children. "We can't allow children to see gazelles going at it! Then they will know that baby gazelles don't sprout up from Jesus seeds!" Seriously people, this is some of the stupidest shit I have ever heard. But hold your horses in an appropriate place kids, because we are about to get even stupider.

4)Okay truthfully, this happened last year but I am still pissed off about it. See that uptight looking guy on the right? That is Pastor Neil Rhodes of the Times Square Church on 51st Street. Apparently Pastor Neil is ashamed of his pooper. Or else he just wants the rest of us to be ashamed of ours. See last year this bidet company Washlet bought the billboard space around the corner from Pastor Neil's House of worship and waffles, and they had the audacity, the unmitigated gall, to place photos of people's naked buttocks on their advertisement.
I'M TALKING NAKED BOTTOMS HERE PEOPLE!
ACTUAL HUMAN BUTTS!
DEAR SWEET JESUS HAVE MERCY!
So Pastor Neil being a sensible man albeit one seemingly born without an ass deemed that this just would not stand, and promptly went to the courts demanding an injunction be placed against Washlet, and their perverted bum washing ways.
And you know the really awesome thing guys?
He won.
He fucking won.
How cool is that?
Pastor Neil rocks!
He saved us all from the mortal sin of looking at a picture of someone's rear!
Jesus be praised!
Did I mention that the Times Square Church is directly across the street from a strip club? We're talking about an ad for a bidet company people.
They don't rent hookers, they don't pay for abortions, they wash hineys.
Dear God...the horror.
So our city courts spent another day making our tax dollars count, and the sinful butts were covered. After all guys if there is one thing that the bible has taught us it is that Jesus didn't have an ass, and he definitely did not poop. (I think it's in there somewhere towards the back.) Pooping is for sinners and Mormons. That's why they wear the magic underwear. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsXzHLiHTOU
These are just facts people. If you can't handle the truth, then I've got nothing for you. Until next time kids, let's all keep it clean. Peace!