Match.com...the saga continues...

HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD AND ALL THE SAINTS AND BUDDHA TOO. I didn't realize there were so many sad, insane, terrifying men out there with internet access and $39.95 a month to blow. I was only going to post one of these Match.com posts. I thought that one solid round of tearing down the poor lonely men who were unfortunate enough to initiate contact with me was plenty good enough. But like rats in a rainstorm the Craizins seriously came out to play this past week. And open book that I am, I felt like I just could not in good conscience keep you loyal readers from revelling in the horror that is my attempt at a love life. So keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle kids. This is going to get real ugly real fast.

First on the list we have UCTAZZ.
TAZZ is 45 but creepily enough is only interested in dating women between 18-35. He is 6'6", lives in Shit-Nowhere Virginia, is currently separated, and is quite clearly a serial killer. Actually I was kind of shocked at how little effort TAZZ put into hiding this from the female population. All the signs are there plain as day. Do you see the doll collection in the background? Obviously used to lure children into his gingerbread house. The guy even has a terrarium for God's sake with two lizards who seem quite healthy from their daily diet of lettuce and prom queen blood. I can practically hear the moths flying around his house.
He seems almost proud of his obvious predilection for wearing the skins of his previous dates. Right from the get we have TAZZ's terrifying header which reads,

"HI, DO YOU WONT TO CUDDLE"

No.
No I don't "WONT TO CUDDLE".
Not ever.
Not, ever, ever, ever.
Not even a little bit.

In TAZZ's "About Me and Who I am Looking For" section he really lays it all out on the line to separate the bitches from the hos.

"I LIKE TO WORK ON CARS SO THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE OK WITH THAT. IM GOING TO OPEN MY OWN PLACE SOON, SO THEY NEED TO KNOW THAT UP FRONT."

BITCHES DID Y'ALL HEAR WHAT TAZZ JUST SAID? Ain't nobody gonna get in the way of my dreams! I'm gonna build cars in my own damn shop, and I ain't gonna answer to nobody, nowhere, no time, no more! And I sure in hell ain't gonna listen to no goddamn woman! Now get me another beer bitch!

TAZZ goes on to talk about the many fascinating aspects of his personality. His favorite color: blue, favorite genre of music: rock, and favorite place to shop: Walmart. Quite frankly TAZZ and I have so much in common that I was surprised he didn't track me down sooner. I also enjoy the color blue.

TAZZ included a close up of his body art in case you had any doubt left that a date with him would end in your slow and violent death. Oddly enough TAZZ did not include any photos of the basement pit where he plans to house his new bride. I guess some surprises are best saved for the honeymoon.

Next on our list of eligible bachelors we have KENROUTE6969.
Oh my god!
"6969"!
I totally get it! That is so naughty! Wow what subtlety, what nuance! What a saucy little devil KEN is!
Why didn't he just make his screen name,
"MELIKEADAORAL2" or "BALLS4URFACE"? Clearly KEN is setting his aim high.

He follows the same profile logic as our friend TAZZ above. The theory being that if you PUT EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE YOU ARE SINCERE AND WON'T CARE THAT YOU READ AT A FOURTH GRADE LEVEL AND SPELL THE WORD "SWIM" WITH 2 M'S. I don't know how well this idea works but it is quite a popular strategy on Match. As if font size were the big problem here. Yeah, that must be what's keeping all the ladies from emailing.

KEN describes himself as a "SEXY CHOLATE (I think that is supposed to say Chocolate) BALD BROTHER. ABOUT 5'9" ABOUT 200LBS. IN MARTIAL ARTS 3RD DEGREE BROWN BELT. LOVE TO COOK ,LIKE WORKOUT.GOOD SEX, EXCELLENT KISSER WITH SOFT LIPS, LIKE SEXY FEETS LOVE TO SUCK ON TOES."

Anyone still keeping their lunch down out there?
Yeah, me neither.
KEN lists his last book read as, "IT BEEN SO LONG I CANT TELL U."
Oh please KEN...please...do tell.

Bachelor number three is the 5o year old Raouf who hails from Alexandria, Egypt and describes himself as "about 47 years old." You have to have sympathy for a man too stupid to realize that entering one's birthday into their profile automatically calculates one's age. Raouf then proceeds to lie in his description and tell the world he is "about 47".
And how the hell would you be "about 47" anyway? What your mother laid you on a bed of reeds and set you floating down the Nile about 47 years ago? Perhaps the hieroglyphics on the papyrus were too faint to decipher.

Raouf further describes himself as, "i'm a pharoooo aren't i?"
And everyone all together now...No.

Raouf also says that he is a volleyball champion in his country.
This is indeed excellent news for our Olympic team in Beijing.
I'm thinking we take Egypt in straight sets.

LEXUS007CAKE is just the kind of profile that makes me weep for the current state of our educational system.

"HONESTY LOVING CARING HAVE SENSE OF HUMOR SOMEONE WHO APPERICATE WHO U ARE BUT NOT U HAVE AND SOMEONE WHO COMPLET MY OTHER SIDE AND SOMEONE WHO HAVE THE NEEDS AND QULATIES AND WHO HAVE A GOOD HEAD ON THEIR SHOULDER"

He lists his last book read as SEX CHRONICLE 2 and I don't know about you readers but I found it far inferior to the tour de force that was SEX CHRONICLE 1. I really hope that volume 3 improves on the series.

Well this has been enlightening and unbelievably depressing. I'm off to take a bath with my friend Mr. Toaster. Until next time kids.