Healing the Masses

So there has been great demand out there calling for something hilarious to cut the bitter pill we have all been forced to swallow today. So here is my feeble attempt kids.
Yes this blows.
Yes we are all upset.
We won't get to see Gerard and Blake jump around in their little Prussian pantsuits anymore. Emma's haunting "Blue Wind" will only live in our memories.
And most importantly I will not be getting paid.
But let's try to keep things in perspective here and look on the bright side. We have three more months of fun, frolic and abortions left to go at the Eugene O'Neill. There are lots of shows left to perform, maybe even a few where a certain actress may feel under the weather and a certain other actress may have to step in and play the role as she has to do from time to time...ahem...My point is that no one has died (except Moritz, and Wendla BUNCHES of times) so there is no need to torture your parents with excessive sobbing. I promise you that life will go on. This show will always hold a special place in your heart just like Kirk Cameron will always be a super hottie to me even though now he is a crazy fundamentalist born again freak show. (Seriously Google Kirk Cameron. It's some scary fucking shit.)
You'll have new passions. You'll sing new songs. Some of you will discover new things like daylight and human contact. Whole worlds are going to open up for you now.
There will be other shows for you to love. There will be other bands that you cherish. Some actors you will always remember (like me) and some you will forget (Drew Tyler what?). But someday in the future the pain will ease. Look I KNOWS me some pain kids. I had my heart handed to me still beating and bleeding in the beginning of this year as many of you loyal readers know. Pain is not something that you can just kill with two Tylenol PM and three shots of bourbon. After six or seven attempts I figured that out. It takes time. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks, and it takes time. Bourbon helps a little. My best advice? Enjoy the show. Cherish this time. Be grateful that we all got to share in something really magical. And don't eat any foods that are artificially orange colored. God never intended for Cheetos to happen. It's just one of man's many failings.

Thanks for following along guys.
Hope you are all now very drunk.
I need to analyze to death this thing along with all of the talking heads.
Until next time friends!

Terry served in the Navy.
The question is on Israel.
Florida is on the line.
The elderly Jews are leaning into the TV.
The second holocaust talk is grating. I'm sorry but it is.
Africans are being raped and killed en masse as we speak and we could give a fuck because they don't have espresso bars and museums in the Congo.
YES! Barack advocates talking to people!
Even our enemies! Even people we don't like!
What a novel fucking concept!
Most of us learned this idea in kindergarten.
Aw...Michelle is pretty.
I hope they don't show Cindy up that close.
Her wonk Vicodin eyes give me nightmares.

Pakistan...touchy subject.
McCain has decided to talk about TEDDY ROOSEVELT?
Yeah that completely doesn't make you look as old as Montgomery Burns John.
McCain is completely flat lining on CNN's Uncommitted Ohio Voters Meter.
Again Barack comes out with "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran" which is a nice hit to land.
Uh oh.
McCain is sucking down the water like his wooden dentures have dried out.
Grandpa is looking tired.
Oh boy a Putin question!
McCain says no Cold War part II.
Why exactly does Barack need to apologize for being wrong about the surge when he was RIGHT ABOUT NOT FUCKING GOING INTO IRAQ!!!
McCain is wishy washy on whether Russia is evil or not because he wants their oil.
That's sweet.

Amen Barack! Making healthcare sound sweet and easy. That's how it should be.
You can tell the people in the audience are average Americans because they look fat and miserable.
I'm thinking about moving to Sweden.
They have healthcare there.
P.S. Where did they find all of these black people willing to go on TV and say that they haven't decided yet if they are going to vote for the first black president? I would be afraid to go home again for fear that my friends would all be hiding in my house waiting to kick the shit out of me.
But that's probably just because I have really good friends.
Diminished respect is what Obama is talking about and again linking Bush and McCain together.
Their foreign policy turned our country into a nation of distrust, and led directly to the world's inaction in Darfur. Other nations would not support our efforts because they no longer listen to us or see us as responsible leaders.

"That one!" McCain pointed at Obama and said "That one."
I didn't like it.
Lindsey asking about healthcare as a commodity.
What is McCain doing in the background? Some sort of hand signal to someone off camera.
He sort of cupped his hand around his chest.
Maybe he has heartburn?
Oh sweet Lord please don't be dying.
I don't trust America not to be stupid enough to put Palin into office on a wave of sympathy.
No one excluded for pre-existing conditions in Obama's healthcare proposal.
Here's the thing.
My father is seven years younger than McCain, and he looks about 25 years younger.
Plus he wears much less makeup.
Hanoi Hilton time is hard time.
This guy DOES not have 8 years. I don't think he has 4. Call me a pessimist.

McCain's idea to fix Medicare=A table full of smart people.
Okay.
Ingrid asking about the environment! And McCain doesn't know her name!
"Thank you...uh.."
Joe Lieberman is McCain's tough partner on the environment!?
Okay look if you're burning Eminem cd's or looking for a good matzoh meal than Lieberman is your man, but environmental legislation? Are you kidding me?
McCain voted 23 times against alternative fuels Obama points out.
DRILL! drink
Brokaw is getting downright testy about timekeeping.

Tom Brokaw looks like he needs a drink.
Too bad he's not playing with us.
Ugh. Again with the McCain and the "he wants to raise taxes" rant.
McCain said "Obama has a secret,"
and Obama leaned in with a smile on his face like
"Really? I have a secret mother fucker? What's my secret?"
9:39 BROKAW THROWS DOWN!!!
Seriously the rules of this debate are 31 pages long.
That what he means when he says, "No you can't respond." Because your people are asshole and have driven us all insane.
95% of you will get a tax cut on Obama's plan.
Did everyone get that?

Fiorra in Chicago asks a good question.
War bonds? Nylon stockings? What do we have to do?
EARMARKS!!! drink
McCain ONLY wants to spend on defense. So no education? No healthcare?
A spending freeze on everything else?
McCain is rolling with the rhetoric.
Uh oh...Obama is going all 9/11 on us...careful...don't pull a Rudi...
Ok we're safe.
DRILL! drink
Nice! Save energy in your homes! Personal responsibility! I like it!
Volunteering! The Peace Corps! Obama brings hope to the masses!
Let's hold hands and sing!

EARMARKS! drink
EARMARKS! drink
DRILL! drink
Healthcare, Energy, and Social Security...which first and McCain says...All of em!
Hey that's what Sarah said when Katie asked her what kind of magazines she reads.
TERRORIST! drink
Ooo this is a good question! Brokaw loves to party!
Barack...Energy first. Amen. Bad for national security and bad for our economy. 15 billion over ten years to free us from our dependence on foreign oil.
Healthcare two and EDUCATION three so that Oliver can learn how to read a sentence.
EARMARKS! drink

Fannie May was a candy store in my home town.
They sold delicious chocolates.
If I had known they were going to ruin our country I would have shopped elsewhere.
McCain is left handed. I just noticed.
I don't know if that means anything but his tie is creepy.
And he's not wearing a tie pin so who's unpatriotic now? Huh?
I really wish that for the next debate they both came out dressed as giant flag pins so everyone could just shut the fuck up about it already.
BUSH! Thanks for mentioning Captain Disaster Obama!
HELLO! McCain has been a consistent REFORMER! Another one left out of the drinking game.
Damn you guys are sober.

Ok Obama needs to STOP saying McCain is right about anything.
Even if McCain says, "Pudding is good,"
Obama needs to come back with, "No. Pudding is shit. It's poison."
Okay my first problem with the question from Oliver is that grammatically it was a nightmare.
Could we teach children to read and speak properly?
Could a candidate talk about that please?
I like Obama's tie. Violet...almost periwinkle.
FOX news will probably call him gay tomorrow.

Part One...

McCain talking about energy independence?
WHAT?
That was his opening line. There's a new tactic.
Holy God. McCain's makeup looks like it was put on by a mortician.
What did they use spackle?
Wow. McCain is looking at Obama this time. That's a nice change of pace. He definitely seems more at home in this format. This is where he is supposed to thrive and you can tell he likes to work the room like this.
DAMN IT! I forgot to put CRONY(ISM) on the drinking list.
Sorry guys.

The Town Hall Debate Pre Show

Tonight is the town hall style debate between our two presidential candidates Old Man McSame and Barack "Hope of the Universe" Obama. This is throwdown time for McCain. His campaign has taken a truly ugly turn this past week attempting to smear Obama by linking him with William Ayers with whom Obama served on a Chicago board of educational reform in the mid 1990's. Ayers was the infamous leader of the radical leftist group The Weather Underground which terrorized the nation with bombings and violent protests in the 1960's and 70's. Criminal charges against him were dropped in 1980, and he currently holds the title of Distinguished Professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago. According to the Associated Press, they are not close: “No evidence shows they were “pals” or even close when they worked on community boards years ago …” The acts Ayers perpetrated, which Obama publicly denounced, were committed 40 years ago...when Obama was 8. This is a truly desperate hail mary attempt by the McCain campaign to hurl mud at Obama any which way that they can and I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't splash back their way.

It's like this. I did a show once with Michael C.Hall. I was an understudy, he played the lead. We ran for a few months. We talked as work associates backstage. We never went out for drinks or hung around outside of work (although man would I have liked to. WOOF!) When the show ended our association ended. Nice working with you, all the best. He now plays a serial killer on a show called Dexter. According to the GOP logic I fully support and endorse serial killers. My best friends are serial killers, and I won't be happy until serial killers kill you, your children, and everyone you love. All because I did a play with Michael C. Hall.

I'm beginning to think the GOP are magik. Not magic like magicians, but magik like witches and fairies and elves! They made John Kerry a purple heart recieving war hero look like a draft dodging coward compared to...well, a draft dodging coward. They can make Sarah Palin see Russia from her house! Now she can name all the tzars by heart and in order! They can even turn an eight year old Barack Obama into a terrorist! That is some kool-aid they are drinking over at Karl Rove's house. Which brings me to the most important part of tonight's debate. The drinking game! Here are the rules kids. Good luck!

MAVERICK take a shot
FREEDOM take a shot
HOPE take a shot
TERROR/ take a shot
TERRORIST(S)
GREED take a shot
SPENDING take a shot
EARMARKS take a shot
DRILL take a shot

That should get everyone completely destroyed by my count.
Let the games begin!

Well I think Biden pretty much nailed it.
He was cordial, confident and charming.
Unlike old man McSame he never seemed smug or condescending to the lesser experienced Palin. He was bold in his declarations and clear in his statements.
Palin was a carefully presented package of the same rhetoric and talking points.
We've had eight years of talking points.
Bush's disapproval rating is now at 70%. That's the lowest of any president in American history, lower than Hoover during the Great Depression, lower even than Nixon during the height of the Watergate scandal. I would ask what more could Bush do to fuck up the country before he leaves office but frankly I am terrified of what he could come up with. At the very least I am sure he will manage to get drunk, piss in the Rose garden and set it on fire.
Biden did his job tonight and did it well. Sarah Palin was a woman clearly out of her league. Two more Presidential debates to go. 32 days left...

Quoting Reagan...
Nausea increasing...
Urge to kill rising...
10:22 MAVERICK!!!!!!10:23 MAVERICK!!!!
Holy god people are going to be wasted!
And finally Biden is going to call them on this Maverick bullshit!
Nice. Biden just nailed her to the ground. 10:25
10 to 1 Palin has no idea who Judge Bork is.

Oh dear me! It's just so obvious that I'm an outsider! I'm just a silly little girl from Alaska! What do I know about you big Washington boys and your big silly politics? Americans want a straight talker and I'm not a politician!
When she plays coy I feel like I may never stop vomiting.
Gwen just asked the most terrifying question of the night.
What would happen if McCain kicked it and left us with President Moose Panties.
"MAVERICKS!" Take 2 shots!
She just said "doggone it".
Seriously...please help me.
She's sending shout out's.
The woman is sending shout out's.
She thinks she's on TRL.

9:56 MAVERICK! EVERYONE DRINKS!
Did she honestly just say that John McCain is KNOWN for reaching across partisan lines?
Um...like this past week?
When he was known for flying to Washington and fucking everything up for both parties?
"We're securing democracy and building schools in Afghanistan!"
I would give up next weeks paycheck if Gwen Ifill just stopped everything right there and said, "Governor Palin would you please spell Afghanistan?"
10:00 you can hear Biden audibly sighing into the microphone. The man has been a senator for three decades and he is reduced to debating a beauty queen.
We're sighing for you Joe.

Oh sweet Lord this poor woman.
She's talking about Israel now.
She was talking with Katie Couric about her lesbian friend.
I wonder when we get to meet her Jewish friend.
Are there any Jews in Alaska?
Do you think they gave Palin a knish when she came to NYC and prayed that she would learn through osmosis? "Here Sarah eat this. Now listen to this recording of 'Fiddler on the Roof'".
"Diplomacy is hard work by serious people." Sarah Palin October 2, 2008
Wow.
Take note kids.
That's sure to grace the pages of future history texts for generations to come.

I think it's so sweet that Palin is going to let dying gay people visit their partners.
She is such a sweet lipsticked pittbull!
"um..."
I'm hearing a lot of "um's" and I am LOVING it.

And here come the platitudes!
"Putting government back on the side of the American people."
What does the even mean?
"John McCain's call for reform?" I think Biden's head might explode.
"Drill baby Drill"
I want to hit her in the mouth.

Gwen Ifill is ON her shit!
No Lehrer capitulation here.
Sarah Palin smiles and grins like she is explaining the goods for sale at the PTA bake sale.
YES!!!
BIDEN!!!!
Landed "the ultimate bridge to nowhere" at 9:21 and there is your soundbite!

9:09 "maverick" Everybody take a shot!
She just said "darn right." We can't have a Vice President who says "darn right."
Ned Flanders would make a shitty Vice President.
9:13 "darn right" AGAIN.
Just picture it.
"Darn right we are cheesed off!"
That's going to get right to the heart of the terrorists.

"Can I call you Joe?"
Oh Lord.
I need to be drinking.
9:05 first mention of "soccer" and first use of "betcha"

Live Blogging the VP Debate the Pre-Show

Honestly I'm terrified.
I have seriously been a nervous wreck all day.
If Biden fucks this up tonight I may just have to drive to Delaware and light the whole damned state on fire. These last few weeks of watching McCain implode have been so tremendously fulfilling. Each new morning has been like Easter, and I have eagerly raced to my laptop each day to see what chocolately egg Grandpa McSame has left for me in the night.
The Couric interviews have been especially delicious.
Discovering that Sarah Palin enjoys reading "all of them" when asked to name some specific sources of media which she references on a regular basis was a moment that I truly cherished.
So tonight all Biden has to do is not be smug, not be condescending, and allow her to trip all over herself. Then Obama can be president and we can go about fixing the disaster that this past eight years has wreaked on the world entire.

Match.com...the saga continues...

HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD AND ALL THE SAINTS AND BUDDHA TOO. I didn't realize there were so many sad, insane, terrifying men out there with internet access and $39.95 a month to blow. I was only going to post one of these Match.com posts. I thought that one solid round of tearing down the poor lonely men who were unfortunate enough to initiate contact with me was plenty good enough. But like rats in a rainstorm the Craizins seriously came out to play this past week. And open book that I am, I felt like I just could not in good conscience keep you loyal readers from revelling in the horror that is my attempt at a love life. So keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle kids. This is going to get real ugly real fast.

First on the list we have UCTAZZ.
TAZZ is 45 but creepily enough is only interested in dating women between 18-35. He is 6'6", lives in Shit-Nowhere Virginia, is currently separated, and is quite clearly a serial killer. Actually I was kind of shocked at how little effort TAZZ put into hiding this from the female population. All the signs are there plain as day. Do you see the doll collection in the background? Obviously used to lure children into his gingerbread house. The guy even has a terrarium for God's sake with two lizards who seem quite healthy from their daily diet of lettuce and prom queen blood. I can practically hear the moths flying around his house.
He seems almost proud of his obvious predilection for wearing the skins of his previous dates. Right from the get we have TAZZ's terrifying header which reads,

"HI, DO YOU WONT TO CUDDLE"

No.
No I don't "WONT TO CUDDLE".
Not ever.
Not, ever, ever, ever.
Not even a little bit.

In TAZZ's "About Me and Who I am Looking For" section he really lays it all out on the line to separate the bitches from the hos.

"I LIKE TO WORK ON CARS SO THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE OK WITH THAT. IM GOING TO OPEN MY OWN PLACE SOON, SO THEY NEED TO KNOW THAT UP FRONT."

BITCHES DID Y'ALL HEAR WHAT TAZZ JUST SAID? Ain't nobody gonna get in the way of my dreams! I'm gonna build cars in my own damn shop, and I ain't gonna answer to nobody, nowhere, no time, no more! And I sure in hell ain't gonna listen to no goddamn woman! Now get me another beer bitch!

TAZZ goes on to talk about the many fascinating aspects of his personality. His favorite color: blue, favorite genre of music: rock, and favorite place to shop: Walmart. Quite frankly TAZZ and I have so much in common that I was surprised he didn't track me down sooner. I also enjoy the color blue.

TAZZ included a close up of his body art in case you had any doubt left that a date with him would end in your slow and violent death. Oddly enough TAZZ did not include any photos of the basement pit where he plans to house his new bride. I guess some surprises are best saved for the honeymoon.

Next on our list of eligible bachelors we have KENROUTE6969.
Oh my god!
"6969"!
I totally get it! That is so naughty! Wow what subtlety, what nuance! What a saucy little devil KEN is!
Why didn't he just make his screen name,
"MELIKEADAORAL2" or "BALLS4URFACE"? Clearly KEN is setting his aim high.

He follows the same profile logic as our friend TAZZ above. The theory being that if you PUT EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE YOU ARE SINCERE AND WON'T CARE THAT YOU READ AT A FOURTH GRADE LEVEL AND SPELL THE WORD "SWIM" WITH 2 M'S. I don't know how well this idea works but it is quite a popular strategy on Match. As if font size were the big problem here. Yeah, that must be what's keeping all the ladies from emailing.

KEN describes himself as a "SEXY CHOLATE (I think that is supposed to say Chocolate) BALD BROTHER. ABOUT 5'9" ABOUT 200LBS. IN MARTIAL ARTS 3RD DEGREE BROWN BELT. LOVE TO COOK ,LIKE WORKOUT.GOOD SEX, EXCELLENT KISSER WITH SOFT LIPS, LIKE SEXY FEETS LOVE TO SUCK ON TOES."

Anyone still keeping their lunch down out there?
Yeah, me neither.
KEN lists his last book read as, "IT BEEN SO LONG I CANT TELL U."
Oh please KEN...please...do tell.

Bachelor number three is the 5o year old Raouf who hails from Alexandria, Egypt and describes himself as "about 47 years old." You have to have sympathy for a man too stupid to realize that entering one's birthday into their profile automatically calculates one's age. Raouf then proceeds to lie in his description and tell the world he is "about 47".
And how the hell would you be "about 47" anyway? What your mother laid you on a bed of reeds and set you floating down the Nile about 47 years ago? Perhaps the hieroglyphics on the papyrus were too faint to decipher.

Raouf further describes himself as, "i'm a pharoooo aren't i?"
And everyone all together now...No.

Raouf also says that he is a volleyball champion in his country.
This is indeed excellent news for our Olympic team in Beijing.
I'm thinking we take Egypt in straight sets.

LEXUS007CAKE is just the kind of profile that makes me weep for the current state of our educational system.

"HONESTY LOVING CARING HAVE SENSE OF HUMOR SOMEONE WHO APPERICATE WHO U ARE BUT NOT U HAVE AND SOMEONE WHO COMPLET MY OTHER SIDE AND SOMEONE WHO HAVE THE NEEDS AND QULATIES AND WHO HAVE A GOOD HEAD ON THEIR SHOULDER"

He lists his last book read as SEX CHRONICLE 2 and I don't know about you readers but I found it far inferior to the tour de force that was SEX CHRONICLE 1. I really hope that volume 3 improves on the series.

Well this has been enlightening and unbelievably depressing. I'm off to take a bath with my friend Mr. Toaster. Until next time kids.

Match.com...and so it begins...

This is Shaharyan.
He is one of the many nice men who have written to me since last week when I joined Match.com.
Shaharyan is 44 years old, the divorced father of more than 3 children, and he lives in Kuwait.
In his own words Shaharyan is,

"LOOKING FOR NICE LADY SHARE MY LIFE AND LOVE AND I AM SEXY MAN AND KNOW HOW I CARE LADY AND I LIKE TO BE WITH MY NICE LADY ALL MY LIFE IN NICE LIFE ."

The title of Shaharyan's post reads,

"LIKE TO HAVE NICE LAY IN MY LIFE."

Wouldn't we all my friend? Wouldn't we all?


This is Rock Guy.
Doesn't he look sweet?
Rock Guy sent me a wink on Match because he was smitten with my profile.
I was so flattered! What a mensch!
So I checked out his page and indeed he looked like a really nice guy.
Rock Guy is a musician, a gemini, a vegetarian, and a witch.
Yup, that's right...a witch.
You know like brooms and cauldrons and I live in my Mom's Garage and D&D rocks?
Rock Guy ends his post by saying, "Freaky Chicks Welcome! LOL!"
Somehow I don't think attracting freaks is going to be a problem.


Radiogeek611 is 47 years old but he is only seeking women between the ages of 25 and 40.
I mean come on!
The guy has way too much to offer to give it away to some old hag of 45!
Radiogeek611 had two pictures that were both so appealing that I really couldn't decide which one to post.
So here I am presenting you with both in the hopes that you can help me to narrow this field down a little bit.
God, I feel like The Bachelorette at the Rose Ceremony!
How ever do I choose?!


And this brings me to my absolute favorite prospect thus far.
This is Hotcake555 and if you take one glance at his passport picture here I am sure that you will agree no other screen name could have done this man justice.
Hotcake555 is 54 years old, still married, has 3 children, and lives in Western Australia.
No worries though mates.
Hotcake makes almost $25,000 a year!
That seems like more than enough dough to buy the kids some tetanus shots, and fly new mommy to the outback in style!


Can I take a moment here to ask you guys some serious questions?
Is there some sort of growth protruding out the back of my head that none of you have alerted me to as of yet?
Do I have a persistent odor of street meat that lingers around my being?
If you put me in a tent in the town square, do you think people would pay a nickel to stare at me and point me with sticks?


Yes I have joined Match.com.
Yes things have gotten that bad, thanks for asking.
The last guy I met in a bar turned out to be an Orthodox Jewish father of four who "wasn't quite divorced yet."
Here's the deal kids.
I have all of my teeth.
I don't have leprosy.
There are no kids in my house, just the world's greatest dog.
Oh, and I'm a kick ass Broadway actress who just happens to be sexy, funny, smart, and modest.
Should this really be so difficult?
I am not renewing my passport just so I can go on a first date.
Fortunately Radiogeek611 lives in Maryland.
Hope springs eternal.
I'll keep you posted.

Just a Broadway Baby

My show is undergoing a major overhaul. Beginning Monday the entire original cast except for myself and two others will be gone. It's weird but also really exciting. I am looking forward to seeing the show infused with some fresh blood, and I am really happy for all of my old castmates who doubtless have wonderful career milestones ahead of them.

It's strange this world that I live in. When I was a child I always dreamt of performing on Broadway. The first Broadway show I ever went to see was Gypsy starring the amazing Tyne Daly. I was completely hooked. I became obsessed with all things Broadway, and in particular the show Aspects of Love by Andrew Lloyd Weber. I would sneak my Walkman into class and hide it under my clothes, spending the entire biology period lost in the "View of the Pyrenees."

I had it all planned out. I was going to move to New York and room with my best friend ala Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey in Beaches. (P.S. If you have never seen Beaches then we are not friends.) We would eat Chinese food out of takeout containers, and drink coffee from those blue Greek coffee cups. Then on one of my many Broadway auditions I would meet Michael Ball and he would instantly fall madly in love with me. We would marry by the boathouse in Central Park, and then Michael would serenade me with "Love Changes Everything" while rowing me across the lake. So at least trust me on this point ladies and gentlemen... I can empathize with your John Groff fantasies. I have been there.

My life didn't turn out exactly as I planned. Starbucks pretty much killed the NY coffee cup of the 80's, and I am fairly certain that Michael Ball LOVES Beaches if you know what I am saying. Still I made it to Broadway. I do wish that I got to perform more often. Being an understudy is sort of like winning the silver at the Olympics. Yeah, you made it to the big race and you did pretty well, but no one is putting you on a box of Wheaties anytime soon. Jesus I am showing my age here. Do they even make Wheaties anymore? Whatever, you get the idea. But no complaints. I am well aware of how many actors would leap at the chance to trade places with me, and I am exceedingly thankful for the job that I have. So keep your headshots at home kids. I'm not going anywhere yet.

I never wanted to become an actor so that I could be famous. Back when I was a kid before everyone could go online and compare signature collages of their favorite celebs, only die hard theatre geeks really knew who these people were. Geeks like me. That picture above is Times Square in 1989 the year that Gypsy with Tyne Daly opened on Broadway and the occasion of my very first trip to the Big Apple. That one below is Times Square now almost twenty years later. Broadway theatre was taken back from the criminals and the degenerates and turned into the degenerate criminal enterprise that it is today.
I kid! I kid! Don't fire me!
Not all of it is degenerate, although the ticket prices are what many would call "criminal".
But with Broadway firmly ensconced as a huge moneymaking industry the art of the stage took a backseat to putting butts in the seats.

Look I'm not naive. The theatre is an industry just like any other. It's a capitalist enterprise. But where it once seemed that parts on the stage were given to those actors who were the most deserving, or perhaps the most accommodating if we are to believe the tales of the "casting couches", now it seems that any one with even the faintest whiff of name recognition is given the advantage bar none, and talent or merit be damned. Hence we have arrived in the present era where exists the bus ad I passed today advertising,
"Spamalot now featuring Steven Collins from Seventh Heaven and Drew Lachey from Dancing With the Stars!"

"Good gravy Helen! Real celebrities from the picture tube! Well that makes it a must-see!"

Pandering to the lowest common denominator has become business as usual for Broadway. Steven Collins and Drew Lachey may well be excellent choices for Spamalot. I don't know them or their abilities, and I do not mean them any disrespect professionally. But the attempt to bolster ticket sales by parading out every Tom, Joe and Jane who ever scrubbed in on an episode of Grey's has gotten a little ridiculous. It feels like we are just minutes away from these marquees,

"The Flavor of Love girls as the Merry Mistresses of Murderers Row!"

"Supernanny is the original Mary Poppins!"

"The third runner up from The Bachelor is TEVYE!"

I fear for the future of the American theatre my friends.

Who's Hungry?

Well crap.
Crap, crap, crap.
I wish I could give you all some really amazing excuse for my absence from these pages.
It would be awesome if I could say that I was sold into white slavery in Chinatown, or that I was hit over the head and woke up in Guantanamo.
Plus that would make for some really juicy blog material.
But the truth is that I have no such yarn to weave friends. I've just been lazy about sharing my fantastic adventures with the free world and for that I do apologize. I will make a concerted effort to rant here more often.
I went on an amazing retreat over my birthday in June, and after that I sort of felt the need to keep on retreating. I spent time with friends, hung out with my dog, and with myself, and just did a lot of letting go and a lot of just "being". It's harder to do than it sounds, trust me. But I guess it was time away that I needed because these days I feel really beautiful and truly, truly blessed.
And now on to fun the business at hand for today!
I thought that as a welcome back exercise I would do a little examination of some of the products for sale out there on the grocery store shelves that Americans are consuming as "food". Please take notice of the quotes around that last word. They are essential for your understanding of what I am about to present to you.
When I go home to my parents house in New Jersey they shop at a store called Wegman's. It's a MAMMOTH supermarket chain that contains everything that you could ever want to eat, and everything that you should never eat if you ever intend to collect on your 401 K.
Look I am no dietary saint. I could stand to lose say half an eight year old's body weight give or take, and lord knows that I have given into the lure of the Entenmann's more than once in my lifetime (see sidebar). However I do make a conscious effort to consume whole foods on a daily basis. Basically if a packaged food contains any ingredients that I can't spell, pronounce, or pick out of a lineup, then I am not eating it.
However I am continually fascinated at what your average American will eat when the dinner bell sounds. I'm not even going to get into the fast food industry here. Any person who would intentionally consume something like say the Hardee's "Monster Biscuit" which contains three strips of bacon, four slices of ham, a sausage patty, and...wait for it...51 grams of fat, clearly has no interest in seeing their children graduate from grade school. So today I just want to look at a couple of items that really stuck out for me on my list visit to your average suburban grocery store.
Let the fun begin!

Let's talk breakfast!
-Who wants eggs?
-Oh yum! I love eggs thanks.
-Great! How about some bacon?
-Well sure why not?
-Some cheese on that maybe?
-Well, I really shouldn't but what the heck!
-Terrific! Let me just get out the toaster.
-Oh toast too, wow thanks. I'll have whole wheat.
-No, no, I need the toaster to cook the eggs and the bacon.
-Wait...what?
-I need to toast the eggs, the bacon, and the cheese.
-Wait...what? Hold on a second I'm confused.

As well you should be!
The Pillsbury dough boy has once again made all of our breakfast dreams come true by placing eggs, bacon and cheese in one handy pastry wrapped package!
I don't know about you but I am so tired of eating all of my foods separately on a plate, and with utensils. Who has time for that nonsense? I am a busy woman, and I want my food combined into one congealed paste and forever entombed in a pocket of dough.
I want to be able to hold my breakfast in one hand, drive my car with the other, and scream at my ungrateful children all at the same time, and now thanks to that charming little dough boy I truly can have the American dream.
My favorite part of this particular package incidentally is in the upper right hand corner where it boasts "Made with REAL eggs and bacon!" No doubt about it folks! Those are real chicken embryos flecked with genuine slaughterhouse scrapings. Yum! Can't you just taste the freedom our forefathers fought for?

Keeping in line with our breakfast theme allow me to introduce you to these delectable nibbles. Smucker's Uncrustables and Kraft's newest taste sensation Bagel-fuls. My first thought here is that our children are barely literate as it is. Uncrustables and Bagel-fuls are not words. These are pieces of words that have been forced together shotgun wedding style by ad executives on a lot of cocaine. Can we please all put a halt to this madness now before I have to go to my gynecologist and request a "Papa-Smearo." I'm sorry but it's fucking stupid.

Now let's talk bagels shall we? I am a New Yorker and therefore a lover of all things bagel. So I know all to well the absolute drudgery of having to slice open a bagel, toast it and THEN smear it with cream cheese all by my lonesome, miserable self. Frankly this is the 21st century, and it's just bullshit people. Where are we Russia? I want my bagel in tube form, and I want it pre-pumped full of delicious dairy goodness! The good news is that these also come in the cinnamon and chive variety. If anyone has eaten one of these and lived please let me know.

As for the Uncrustables I believe we have been over this already. If I have to de-crust my own PB&J then the terrorists have already won.




Now that we are done raping the toaster I have a quick question for you. Who out there hates their kids? Want to give them a jump start on adult-onset diabetes?
Or maybe you are just sick of shopping for kids clothes, and you figure it would be easier if you could all just wear Lane Bryant sizes.
Well man have I got the stuff for you!
Check out that appealing package! It just screams nutrition doesn't it?
I am old enough to remember when Lunchables (again, not a word) first came on the market. It took much begging and pleading for my mother to buy me a package of these bad boys, and this was before they had such appealing varieties as "Pizza" or Jesus help us "Nachos".
There was no Capri-Sun that came with, no Starburst included for "dessert", just an incredibly sad stack of meat and cheese by-product covered by a thin veneer of hopelessness. Now if I had been able to partake of something as enticing as say, "Pepperoni Flavored Sausage" I am certain that my lunchtime could have been a far less morose occurrence.
Seriously, if you intentionally feed your child this product you should either be sent to jail, or be force fed a vintage Lunchables from 1986. I think my parents may still have one in the back of their fridge.

And on a final note, could someone please tell me where the "Cool Cotton Candy" trees grow? That's not a folk song, I'm really asking the question. You see way back in the 1980's when I was a tot yogurt came in flavors such as strawberry, blueberry, lemon...you know, actual fruit like items. But this alas I suppose is GoGurt (again, not an actual word assholes) and it is a far, far cry from my beloved yogurt of yore.
First off it comes in a tube!
What great fun!
When I was a child if you attempted to squeeze your yogurt container straight into your mouth they made you spend your afternoons in the green rug room with the boy who ate hair, and the girl who started fires. But today we are encouraging such short-bus like behavior by actually marketing products which encourage a complete lack of social graces in our children. Look I'm not expecting everyone to behave like they just came out of Miss Porter's here gang, but the kids who suck down this garbage make the boy who ate hair look like a goddamn Rhodes Scholar.

Well that's all for this visit. I hope you have enjoyed this little journey down the supermarket aisle with me. Please, at your next meal take some time to remember those who have no GoGurt, those who will never know the joy of a Bagel-ful, and those who God willing will never, ever have to endure a meal time consisting of something called a Lunchable. Until next time y'all. Happy eating!

OMG you guys! The Hills finale totally blew!

Yes that's right. I'm admitting it.
I watch The Hills.
We all have our demons to wrestle with folks.
And watching these vapid, vacant eyed walking trust funds attempt to portray the "reality" of their incredibly dull existences is one of my guiltiest and most shameful pleasures.
This past week was the season finale and man oh man was it so totally worth the wait! I mean absolutely nothing happened, literally nothing! I don't even know how the MTV producers managed to capture "nothing" on video. They're fucking geniuses! Man those night classes at the New York Film Academy really paid off!
What a completely uneventful waste of film this entire series has been. These girls, all a scant five years away from their first botox injection, are so completely and utterly boring that the producers can't even seem to manufacture enough fake drama to make them even slightly interesting.
"OMG you guys! Lo and L.C. are like B.F.F.'s and Audrina is feeling totally on the outs. This is like so completely intense right now! What will happen? OMG!"
That was the big dramatic climax of the finale.
So when Lauren (aka L.C.) went to Audrina's part of the house to confront her about their troubled friendship she knocked on the door and Audrina was...
wait for it...
wait for it...
READING.
Look deep into these eyes kids.
You can almost hear the canaries twittering about in her wee little skull can't you?
This is not a woman who reads.
This is a woman who categorizes Cosmo as literature.
How much "reality" am I supposed to swallow here MTV?
Unless that paperback was from the Gossip Girl series there is no way in hell that book belongs to that bimbo.
Ok, I'm being a little hard on poor Audrina here. Truly she is probably the least offensive element of the entire series. And I am not expecting to watch this show and see actual "reality" on display. I mean calling The Hills a documentary program is like hanging a cross in a strip club and calling it a church. It just doesn't cut it.
But frankly that's what makes this travesty of a program that much more appalling. I mean if there are people scripting this trash, then what genius producer decided that the best way for Heidi to end the season was to blow off her boss, fuck up her career, and reunite with Spencer the world's most malignant scrotum cyst? Is this the example that we are now setting for America's young women MTV?
Call me old fashioned but back when I was a teen society had these quaint little concepts called "dignity" and "self-respect" that it tried to force feed us through health class film strips and feminine hygiene commercials. It was sweet really, and some of it actually seeped into our consciousness.
Now I'm not expecting MTV to do what is right for today's youth. After all it is entertainment not education. BUT COME ON PRODUCERS! You couldn't for the sake of all of the young girls out there have Heidi tell Spencer to go fuck himself, and go back to her job with her head held high? She REALLY needed to give up everything that was important to her for a guy? For a guy who is as big of an ass hat as Spencer at that? Thanks MTV for setting back America's feminist movement a solid thirty years. You guys rock.
And on a related topic, if I have to hear that fucking song "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" one more time I swear to you I am going to personally hunt down every single last one of the Pussycat Dolls and titty slap them right across their implants. How about releasing a song called "Don't Cha Wish You Had Enough Dignity and Self-Respect to Not Pursue a Man in a Committed Relationship...Don't Cha?" Ok maybe the hook isn't quite as catchy but I think the message is much more appropriate.
Ok I'm done ranting.
More later.
I am going to go ask Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem to forgive us our trespasses.
Goddess have mercy on us all!

More Fun with Facebook Dating

Oh how sad and infrequent my blogging has become! I had a request today at the stage door to return to my ranting and raving as soon as I could summon the angst. So here I am dear readers back with yet another installment of the misadventures of my existence.

Let me begin by saying that my experiments in Facebook dating have gone forward and have not all been tragic. I have been burned before my friends. I'm not out there looking for "Mr. Right" or even for "Mr. Right Now". I am just casually seeking new friends, new acquaintances, and new people to buy me dinner. So though I have been dismayed in the past (the man from Qatar who wrote me on a Sunday morning at 11:13 AM to ask if I wanted to "meet on Union Square at noon to have some Sunday bunch" springs to mind) I dove back into the Facebook swamp to see if I could pull a frog prince out from amongst the horny toads.

I went out recently on a date with a guy who I met through some monstrously awful application called "Are you Interested?" So because of this my expectations were pretty low. Incidentally I am being stalked on this same application daily by a man who appears to be some sort of pixelated cowboy, and who is doubtless a serial killer. I'm not kidding. This is his profile picture.




He keeps sending me gifts of cartoon bottles of wine. You ever try to get drunk on cartoon wine? It's almost impossible.

What's that you say readers?
You would like to see some of the other "hotties" who have expressed an interest in little old me? Why sure! Please enjoy this cavalcade of actual photos I have received from suitors the world over!



According to this man's profile he is both married, and a minister.
Soooooo my type.











Trying not to be offended here.













I don't even know what this thing is.





I really wish I were kidding.

So anyway, back to the date with the guy I actually agreed to go out with only after insisting on seeing several different photos from various heights and angles. He works in finance. He has a career where he sits in an office, and wears suits with cuff links and buys and sells and invests in stuff. Hey guys, want to know every single thing that I know about money? It's green. That's it.

On a side note while looking for fun images to spruce up this entry I Googled "men in suits" and guess what came up? PORN! This only confirms my theory that you can Google pretty much anything in the world and still wind up with porn. Seriously, go try it. Google "Creamy Nougat"...BOOM! Picture of naked fat ladies! Why? Google doesn't answer these questions and Google doesn't have to answer these questions. There are some mysteries in this world that we are just not meant to uncover my friends.

Anyway, Mr. Finance and I did have a nice time but there will be no details here kids because I fear that he may read the blog and Lord knows nothing but bad could come of that. Suffice it to say we might see each other again.

So I have been doing some dating, catching up on my reading, hanging out with my dog, and riding my bike in the park. All in all the Spring is treating me rather well. But I mean come on people! Is it possible for it to get any worse after the Winter that I just had? Never mind, I take that back. Let me not tempt fate here. I don't want New York to get washed away in a Tsunami tomorrow just because I said that "it couldn't get any worse." Let's just say everything is exactly how it is supposed to be at this precise moment. Fair? Brilliant, moving on then.

But speaking of New York getting destroyed I am so OVER watching all of these movies where I have to see my hometown get obliterated in this ridiculously expensive CGI style. I don't need this shit Hollywood thank you very much! Those of us who were here for 9/11 don't care to relive it via spider dropping Godzilla monsters or people munching mutant dogs.

This past week I sat through both Cloverfield AND I am Legend and were it not for my career, and my mortal fear of mediocrity I swear to you I would have moved back in with my parents in New Jersey. Nobody ever annihilates Jersey in the movies. I mean seriously what's there to ruin? "Oh my God! They blew up Arby's! NOOOOOOOO!" Not quite the same dramatic impact as seeing the Brooklyn bridge crumble into the Hudson...twice...in two separate movies...in one freaking week! I mean Jesus screenwriters can't you guys conference call each other or something please? The people of New York are tired of being blue screened to bits in all of your sick cinematic terror fantasies. Take out Cleveland for once! At least that one would be a surprise.

Alright that's all I've got for this session. I will be back with more to bitch about soon I am sure. No worries kids. I can always find something to take issue with. Until then...peace!

Gods and Demons

I have a problem. It's a serious problem, and I can't hide it from you guys anymore. I have cowered in the closet for too long, sneaking around corners, and exchanging bills for my fix wherever I could get it. I think it is time now that I come clean, really and truly clean, and just lay it all out there for the world to judge. The shame has been eating me alive. The guilt, the evasions, the lies, I just can't go on living like this anymore. And I don't want to disappoint those that love me by pretending that I am "fine" any longer. So I am here today to confess my transgressions, and to pray that some of you out there will be able to empathize with my weakness.
The sad, sorry truth is...

I have a sugar problem.

We're way beyond just Entenmann's here people.

The Sri Lankan guy at the Rock Center Dunkin' Donuts knows my name...my full name.
It's not good.
He smiles at me as he slowly, SLOWLY pours my coffee. This man knows all of my filthy secrets.

"JUST GIVE ME THE DONUTS MAN! I HAVE TO GO TO WORK!"

It's not pretty. I'm not proud of who I have become. I'm a monster, a sugar addict who is likely to fly off into a fit of rage at even the slightest provocation.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE OUT OF CHOCOLATE FROSTED? THIS IS DUNKIN' FUCKING DONUTS! THAT'S LIKE THE MOST POPULAR VARIETY! YOU DON'T JUST RUN OUT OF THEM! IF THERE ARE NONE LEFT THEN I GUESS IT'S TIME TO MAKE THE FUCKING DONUTS!!!"

Oh the shame! The humiliation my addiction has wrought. The looks I receive from the mothers standing between me and terrified children in Maclaren strollers, the brokers in suits still riding their coke binges from the previous night who glare at me like I'm a mildew stain on a shower curtain, even the homeless lady with the twelve plastic bags from Conway seems to look at me and say, "Wow. She is a fucking mess."

I've tried to go without. I've attempted to throw this monkey off of my back in the past. I once went three whole days without eating any sugar. By the end of that third night I was maybe six hours away from spending the rest of my days gluing houses out of popsicle sticks, and eagerly anticipating "Taco Night".

Here's the thing guys. On the whole I actually try to eat pretty well, and I think that I lead a fairly healthy lifestyle. I am still working on the smoking thing (Thank you so much for that recurring demon Mr. Ex-boyfriend) but other than that damage I do pretty well. Other than the occasional Dunkin' Donut sugar catastrophe, I buy my groceries at Westerly, Whole Foods, or the health food store near my house in Brooklyn. I cook at home as often as I can, and when I do I use almost exclusively organic ingredients.

I go to the Farmers Market on the weekends, and I even joined the local CSA in my neighborhood so that I will be able to get organic produce fresh from the farm all summer long. If you guys don't know what a CSA is it stands for "Community Supported Agriculture." Basically you pay a flat fee to the farmer for the season, and every week they bring a basket of organic produce straight from the farm to a spot in your hood where you can go and pick it up. It's a really great bargain and a wonderful way to get the freshest food, and support local farmers at the same time. My farm is called "Hearty Roots Community Farm" in Tivoli, New York so every other week this summer I will know exactly where and how my food was grown.

Now if I could just break the sugar bitch who lives inside of me...all would be right as rain.

And now on a totally unrelated topic, please do the following things.
Think of the following as homework for your heart.

PLEASE watch and sing along to the beautiful Julie Taymor film Across the Universe. I didn't think it was possible for me to love John Lennon anymore than I already did. This film made me fall all over again. Lennon was a prophet and his words ring true now more than ever.

PLEASE go to see the wonderful, amazing piece of Broadway theatre called Passing Strange. It is so innovative, so unique, and it features a tremendously talented cast of actors and musicians who pour their hearts into their performances. It is truly a must see for anyone who loves music or theatre.

And finally check out the book Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. There are three volumes to the series. I am only through the first book and it has completely changed the way I view each and every day of my life. Trust me. Just give it ten pages next time you are at the Barnes and Noble, and I am certain you will want to take it home with you.

That's all I've got kids.
More fun to come.

Long Time No Blog

I don't want to talk about it.
Seriously guys,
I don't EVEN want to talk about it.

Let me just say this. It has NOT been pretty. This month long absence, I'm not going to really get into it. I can't. It's really just too insane, and quite frankly I don't think anyone would believe me if I actually put it into writing. Let me just say that I got hit hard by a really unbalanced person, and it threw my game off big time.

Usually I am better at shielding myself against this kind of spiritual intrusion. I like to think that I am a fairly good judge of character, or at least I thought I was up until quite recently. But someone slipped under my radar, and long story short I ended up trusting a person who I shouldn't have, and paying dearly for it in the end.

It's been a rough month. Hell I don't have to tell you regular readers, it's been a rough year. But I am healing once again. The Spring is here in New York City, and everything looks new and fresh again. And like the blossoms on the trees I feel new life flowing within me, and I am ready once again to begin a new chapter in my life.

I can't even begin to tell you how many blog entries I have started and abandoned over these past few weeks. I think I just needed to spend some time inside of myself if that makes sense. As much as I love blathering on for all of the world to endure on these pages, I think I needed to just shut up for a while.

Shutting up...now there's a tough concept for me to latch on to. I have always been a talker. Words such as "lively", "spirited" and "outgoing" were liberally sprinkled throughout my childhood report cards. These words of course served as extremely polite euphemisms for "hyperactive", "obnoxious" and "annoying". I was one of those kids; bossy, loud, selfish and prone to telling ridiculous lies. I also cursed like a sailor with scurvy. I'm talking from about age eight to pretty much the present day. I still have trouble carrying on a conversation with my parents without the word "fuck" slipping out at one point or another. What can I tell you? I'm from New Jersey.

So being quiet has never been my strong suit. This has of course served me very well in my career. There's not a huge market out there for mute actors. In fact I think Marlee Matlin has booked every single role written for a deaf woman in the past 25 years. Seriously how old is she, like 70? Regardless, talking is my bread and butter. Mercury is my ruling planet according to my horoscope and it is the planet of communication. I am a Gemini and a Virgo ascendant which is also ruled by Mercury, so I am twice ruled by the planet of communication. What does this mean? It means astrology is a load of horse shit. And yet, I still keep on talking.

So this summer I am planning on going on a silent retreat upstate. It is a meditation retreat where you practice the Buddhist contemplative practice of remaining in silence for days so as to still your mind and come into present awareness. It scares the crap out of me. But I am going to give it a shot.

Okay, my show is almost done and my dog is waiting to be rescued from daycare. So I guess that's it for this very exciting post. I will try to liven the next one up a bit for you guys.

Maybe I'll talk about "The Hills", and what a complete and utter douche nozzle that Spencer guy is. Seriously? I really need to not watch MTV ever. It just fills me with sadness and resentment and makes me think terrible thoughts. Like the thought of that Spencer guy getting beaten to death with a bat on Hollywood Boulevard, see I would totally DVR that. (Sigh.) These are the thoughts that MTV puts in my head. I remember when they used to show videos on that there music channel. Yes, I am really THAT old. (Sigh.) And don't get me started on VH1. I mean Brett Michaels? You want to compete to date Brett Michaels? Why not just take a trip to the Port Authority Bus Terminal in a skirt and no panties and cop a squat on all of the benches? Maybe lick the floor at the Au Bon Pain while you're at it.
Oops.
I probably shouldn't wish for someone to be beaten to death on national television, AND talk about Buddhist principals and my new found insights in the same post...
Shit...
I'll work on that for next time.
It's all a work in progress guys.

The Scene Across the Street

OH DEAR SWEET LORD Y'ALL!!!
I have to post this because I just witnessed it, and it was WAY too messed up not to share with you guys. I walked out of my apartment on my way to the fancy food market to buy Hen of the Woods mushrooms, and Tibetan goji berries (you know...like you do) and right across the street from my place I saw a woman screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing this man. She was yelling,

"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! LET ME IN YOUR APARTMENT! I AM GOING TO SLEEP ON YOUR COUCH! I HATE YOU! LET ME IN!"

The man was cowering in the doorway, and trying to stop her from pushing him, and punching him in the chest. She threw her keys at him, and picked them up off the ground, and began hitting him with them balled up in her fist.

"I HATE YOU! LET ME IN YOUR PLACE! I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF! LET ME IN GODDAMN IT! I HATE YOU! THEN EVERYONE WILL KNOW YOU ARE A LYING CHEATING ASSHOLE! I HATE YOU! LET ME IN!"

So naturally I did what any person would do confronted with this type of situation.

I hid behind a minivan so I could see what would happen next.
Once again, read the title kids...I've got some issues.
Seriously though, I'm kind of sick that way.
I HAVE to look at traffic accidents to see if there are bodies on the road.
Yes, I am the person responsible for all of that gridlock that you have been stuck behind on the New Jersey Turnpike.
You're welcome.

"I HATE YOU! LET ME IN! I HATE YOU! I'M TAKING OFF ALL OF MY CLOTHES! LET ME IN OR I AM TAKING OFF ALL OF MY CLOTHES! I AM GOING TO GET NAKED! I HATE YOU!"

So then take a stab at what happened next?
She started taking her clothes off.
Seriously.
The boy at this point was on his cell phone presumably trying to reach someone at Bellevue to see if they do pick-ups.
It was HORRIBLE gang.
The girl got completely naked in the 30 degree weather, and kept screaming at this guy that she hated him. That he had to let her into his apartment. That he was a liar and a cheater.

Part of me really wanted to go over there, throw a blanket over the poor girl, and tell her that she did not want to do this.

"Listen honey, I know this sucks. I know he's an asshole and that your heart is broken, and you don't know what to do. I know that you are frantic and panicking, and that nothing makes sense right now. Believe me, I have been there. But this is NOT helping you, or him, or your relationship whatever that may be. You need to go home now, and rest, and regroup. You are not thinking clearly, and that is perfectly understandable. I know you think that the pain will never get better. I know you feel like you can't live without him, like you can't breathe. But you can, and you will. I promise you. It hurts like hell right now, I know. But why give him the satisfaction of seeing you like this? You are only reinforcing a negative image of yourself, and he is the asshole here not you, right? NO MAN is worth this sweetie. Believe me, I know. You are better than this. You will be okay. You need to go home."

That's what I wanted to say.
But quite frankly the girl scared the shit out of me, and I was fairly sure that if I approached her she would have pounced on me like I was a cupcake at fat camp.

I couldn't watch anymore so I left them both to their humiliation, and I went off to buy my groceries. But I still can't stop thinking about the girl. I know her pain and her anger. I have lived through betrayal, and I know what heartbreak can do to someone's rational mind. But after witnessing that sordid scene I have to give myself some props. As bad as things got, no one ever saw me naked, and screaming in the streets of Greenpoint. Let's all be grateful for that. God bless you honey, wherever you are. I am praying for you. Hang in. You can get through this. But dear Lord please keep your clothes on.

Facebook Dating

Well thank the lord and Hallelujah I am finally feeling like my old self again friends!
And if I don't say so myself it is about damned time too. The year 2008 has so far been... shall we say... trying. I lost my man, I lost my dog, and apparently I came pretty close to losing my job as well. (How much would That have sucked! The answer is a lot... a lot, a lot, a lot.) But with the support of my family, my friends, my fans, and my God, I have managed to gather the pieces of myself back together, and to regain my focus on the present.

I have come to truly appreciate the love in my life in a way that I never did before this year. I have grown much closer to my family, discovered my true friends, and maybe most importantly I learned the kind of value that I place in myself. I settled for less than I deserved, and less than I wanted out of my life for so long that it became a bad habit, a routine of complacency. I don't take my life for granted these days, and I will never again allow myself to be sated by anything less than true and complete happiness.

Perhaps sometimes it takes a huge shake-up to remind you of all that you have to be grateful for in life. I have people around me who truly, truly love me, and who value me exactly as I am. I feel so blessed to be able to share some of that love here with you guys. I would like to send a sincere thanks out to all of you who hung in with me during the downtimes. I know it hasn't always been pretty. But I can honestly say that am back now, and I am a better, stronger person than I ever was before. I feel awakened and alive and I am ready to embark on this new beginning. I am at the start of a glorious new adventure, and I am so excited to bring all of you along with me on this amazing journey.

Now that all of this is behind me, we have EXTREMELY important matters to cover here.
So let me not waste any more of our precious space talking about the past, and let us get on with the new day at hand!

First off on the list of extremely important topics I want to cover today...
FACEBOOK
I was incredibly reluctant to join this thing in the beginning. I was pretty certain that it was a community of people half my age who knew what a Hannah Montana was. I was not interested in joining yet another online popularity contest. I had done the Friendster, I had done the MySpace, and my only rewards were offers of "awesome ring tones" and "quick ways to make cash at home". Not really a stellar marketing pitch.

But then a fan at the stage door told me that he had built me my very own fan club on this site that all the youngsters were on called Facebook. My very own fan club... for real?

Have you ever heard the old Groucho Marx adage, "I don't want to belong to any club that would have a person like me as a member"?
Yeah, well guess what?
I'm not Groucho.
The first thing I did when I got home that night was sign up for an account so I could join my club. Hey, why the hell not? I mean I am one of my most favorite people! It was a no-brainer, really. Come on! What, you wouldn't join your fan club? I never said I wasn't a narcissist kids. Read the title. I've got issues.

So the Facebook was fine. It was kind of fun. I didn't really spend much time on it. Until that is I found myself suddenly single and looking to... meet... people... men people... for meeting and discussion of current events.

Ahem.

Look guys I am not going to front with you here. I am NOWHERE near ready to begin any sort of relationship. I need lots more "me" time before that is going to happen. But dating? Well why not, right? I mean a girl has to fill her Monday nights somehow! And I am beautiful, smart, talented, kind of a narcissist, but still a pretty good catch I think.
So why the hell not, I thought! Let's try one of these nifty dating applications!

So THIS dear readers, is why the hell not.

The show I work on has a terrific youth following.
This is fantastic for concession sales, and not so great for my dating prospects.
I would say 80% of the people who are my Facebook "friends" are people who I don't actually know. Lots of show fans, and your assorted creepy internet stalkers, but mostly sweet, harmless teenagers.

So in the hope of not dying a single, old New York woman whose rotting corpse is discovered only after her dogs have eaten her face, I added one of the dating applications called "Spark". Now I'm not expecting to meet anyone super fantastic out here, but casual fun dating could be in the works, right? This is what I thought anyway when I signed on for this catastrophe.

So in this particular dating application you say "Yes" or "No" to pictures of people who are in your network of friends. This means that when "Fan A" asks me to be his friend and I accept, all of "Fan A's" friends are now in my network. So when I sign up for Spark, I get to rank "Fan A's" vast assortment of friends.

Hey Guys!
Want to feel like a huge creepy pervert?
Try this on for size!
I am thirty.
"Fan A" is let's say... fifteen.
So now I find myself alone, in my apartment, a thirty year old single woman clicking through pictures of high school sophomores, and waiting for Federal Agents and or MSNBC to kick in my door.

What the hell guys?
Nobody has a cute, rich, single Uncle out there?
I mean COME ON!

I felt like a pedophile.
I mean click after click,
"No, no, no, OH GOD NO, no, no, Ew No, no, blech! Not even when I was 15, no, seriously?, no, ugh NO!"

When you do select "yes" the application asks you why you have deemed this person click worthy, and then handily supplies you with several vapid adjectives to choose from such as "hot, cute, rich, etc." I kept wishing that we could select a reason for rejecting a candidate's photo. Something along the lines of, "Prison, prison, my mother, HIS mother, prison, Bellevue, prison, my sense of decency, etc." You get the idea.

And I demand to know which "friend" of mine knows so many freaking people in Norway! Apparently I am EXTREMELY popular overseas, especially with the Norwegians. (And I think I might be a model in Turkey.) If I get one more dating request from someone named "Svensk Oolarksttuygn" I am storming the embassy and demanding an explanation.
Either that or I am moving to Scandinavia.

So if you are in my network, cut an old lady a break, huh?
Maybe add some older folks to the mix?
I know someone out there is holding out on me!
I will find your rich uncle if it's the last thing I do!
Until then...if you see me on "To Catch a Predator" it's not my fault.
Seriously.
I'm blaming Facebook.

A Long Philosophical One Without Pictures

I haven't been here in a while. I wish that I could say that it's because I have been so happy with my fabulous life that I just haven't found the time to post. Sadly however that is a bunch of bullshit. The truth is that I have been a depressed, miserable heap of a woman for days now, and I just haven't been able to pull myself out of it.

So here I am staring at this screen again, and wondering what wisdom I could possibly have to share with the lot of you. What funny stories can I relate? What witty comments can I make? How can I entertain? I mean that's what I do after all isn't it..."entertain". Everyone can always count on Frances to be the crack-up of the room, the life of the party. But truthfully guys, these days I just don't seem to have it in me. Rather than cracking everybody up, I just feel cracked. And there's not much humor to be found in that.

It has been a sad, sorry couple of weeks for me. I have had frequent sometimes intentional contact with the Ex, and that has brought me nothing but an unending internal monologue of "What Ifs", and "If Onlys". I have been stuck in time, replaying each moment over and over again, seeking answers to questions that will never be resolved. The mind is a devilish trickster. If you let it destroy you it will, and my mind has been working endlessly to bring me to a point of madness. The loop that plays goes something like this.

How could I allow myself to be so betrayed and so degraded? How could I trust someone so completely and be so horribly wrong? How could a man who I thought possessed value and integrity use and abuse me so heinously? I paid his rent when he was unemployed. I took him by the hand to see my doctor when his anxiety began to control him. When he sobbed and begged me not to leave him last year I promised not to. We would work everything out together. I would continue to pay all of the bills, and he would go to see the therapist like he promised. I would stand by him because I knew, I KNEW, that he would do the same for me. And after all of it, after the promises of love, and children and marriage, he left. One night he was beside me, and the next night he was gone, and he never came back. He never tried, he never explained, he never fought. He ran away like a frightened little boy. And the man that I thought I knew and loved was gone forever. He said he would never replace me. And he did.

It's an awful place, the prison of one's mind. It is so difficult to find a way back from the past. So what I ask you now friends, is what a woman like me is supposed to do? Do I admit defeat? Shall I just call it a day? Perhaps let someone else have my cushy Broadway job, and spend the rest of my days sobbing on my couch in the fetal position? Shall I say "Goodnight Gracie", and head off into the wings for that one final time?

The answer that I have come to dear friends, is a resounding,
"HELL'S NO!"

After weeks of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I have decided to once again commence living the life I have been so fortunately blessed with. I absolutely, unequivocally refuse to allow the actions of one weak, selfish, cowardly man to determine my self-worth. I am done letting the past haunt me. What's done is done, and there is no potion in this world potent enough that were I to drink it down I could turn back the hands of time. And truth be told, as much as I have missed this man, as much as I have longed for his touch, I would not take the bullet I have dodged for any money in the world.

I believe in God my friends. No scratch that, I KNOW that there is a God. Don't panic. I'm not about to get all religious on you. The fact is that I am extremely anti organized religion. But spirituality is another matter entirely. My Ex was an Atheist. Since our break-up I have discovered a faith which I never knew could dwell within me. My higher power has proved to me again and again not only the power of its existence, but that its love and and its mercy are without limit. All I have to do is believe and trust in the love that God has for me, and I will be provided with everything that I could ever need. I have seen this displayed to me time and time again. And yesterday was a perfect example.

I met with my friend and mentor Courtney. We meet once a week to discuss philosophy, God, all of life's wonders and mysteries, and Brangelina. (Okay the last one not really but I am trying to lighten this entry up a bit for you guys so just bear with me.) I was telling Courtney how I just couldn't stop obsessing about my Ex and about our break-up. I knew that I was better than this. My logical mind couldn't justify what was happening to me. I was tired of being a woman stuck in the past, and I felt that my future was too bright and too glorious to let it escape me for even one more day. I was sick of marking off the days on my calender on which I had managed to avoid picking up the phone and reaching out to this man who was so far beneath any measure of what I deserved or wanted in my life, only to break down, contact him, and then have to begin the cycle all over again at day one.

So Courtney suggested that I offer it up to my higher power. "Why not relinquish it? Admit that you are out of control and ask for help. Say in your prayer, 'God, I am powerless over contacting this man. I am powerless over these obsessive thoughts. Only through you can I be set free. I pray that you will relieve me of this burden. Thank you God for your grace and your love.' Just offer it up and put it in God's hands."

Earlier that same day I had found myself wandering around the Whole Body in Chelsea. They have a tiny little book section with titles on health, healing, and (my favorite!) more self-help. I stumbled upon a volume called, The Power of Now a Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle. Apparently this book was a #1 New York Times bestseller and had sold over 2 million copies, yet I had never heard of it. I added it to my purchases, and didn't think much of it until last night when I curled up in bed with Jasper to read for a bit.

They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. My God never ceases to astound me with the ways in which he injects his wisdom into my life. Chapter One of the book is called "You are not Your Mind" and in that chapter I stumbled upon this.

"...I would say about 80 to 90 percent of most people's thinking is not only repetitive and useless, but because of its dysfunctional and often negative nature, much of it is also harmful...This kind of compulsive thinking is actually an addiction. You no longer feel you have the choice to stop. It seems stronger than you. It also gives you a false sense of pleasure, pleasure that invariably turns into pain...

As you grow up, you form a mental image of who you are, based on your personal and cultural conditioning. We may call this phantom self the ego...To the ego, the present moment hardly exists. Only past and future are considered important. This total reversal of the truth accounts for the fact that in the ego mode the mind is so dysfunctional. It is always concerned with keeping the past alive, because without it - who are you?...The present moment holds the key to liberation. But you cannot find the present moment as long as you ARE your mind."

Alright I realize that is some pretty heavy stuff, but hang in there guys because I think it may just have saved my life. There is only one moment, and that moment is now. There is only one place and that place is here. Everything else is an illusion playing with our minds.

I can let go of the past. I can stop projecting towards a future that will never be. I don't have to allow any of these thoughts to control me, and indeed in allowing my mind to dwell in this space, I am driving myself further and further away from living a truly enlightened existence.

Stop.
Stop right where you are.
Take a deep breath and then slowly exhale.
Where are you?
You are here.
What time is it?
It is now.
Nothing else is real.
Nothing else is true.
But being here, in the present, right NOW, this is our only truth.
And right now, there is no where else that I ever want to be.