A Long Philosophical One Without Pictures

I haven't been here in a while. I wish that I could say that it's because I have been so happy with my fabulous life that I just haven't found the time to post. Sadly however that is a bunch of bullshit. The truth is that I have been a depressed, miserable heap of a woman for days now, and I just haven't been able to pull myself out of it.

So here I am staring at this screen again, and wondering what wisdom I could possibly have to share with the lot of you. What funny stories can I relate? What witty comments can I make? How can I entertain? I mean that's what I do after all isn't it..."entertain". Everyone can always count on Frances to be the crack-up of the room, the life of the party. But truthfully guys, these days I just don't seem to have it in me. Rather than cracking everybody up, I just feel cracked. And there's not much humor to be found in that.

It has been a sad, sorry couple of weeks for me. I have had frequent sometimes intentional contact with the Ex, and that has brought me nothing but an unending internal monologue of "What Ifs", and "If Onlys". I have been stuck in time, replaying each moment over and over again, seeking answers to questions that will never be resolved. The mind is a devilish trickster. If you let it destroy you it will, and my mind has been working endlessly to bring me to a point of madness. The loop that plays goes something like this.

How could I allow myself to be so betrayed and so degraded? How could I trust someone so completely and be so horribly wrong? How could a man who I thought possessed value and integrity use and abuse me so heinously? I paid his rent when he was unemployed. I took him by the hand to see my doctor when his anxiety began to control him. When he sobbed and begged me not to leave him last year I promised not to. We would work everything out together. I would continue to pay all of the bills, and he would go to see the therapist like he promised. I would stand by him because I knew, I KNEW, that he would do the same for me. And after all of it, after the promises of love, and children and marriage, he left. One night he was beside me, and the next night he was gone, and he never came back. He never tried, he never explained, he never fought. He ran away like a frightened little boy. And the man that I thought I knew and loved was gone forever. He said he would never replace me. And he did.

It's an awful place, the prison of one's mind. It is so difficult to find a way back from the past. So what I ask you now friends, is what a woman like me is supposed to do? Do I admit defeat? Shall I just call it a day? Perhaps let someone else have my cushy Broadway job, and spend the rest of my days sobbing on my couch in the fetal position? Shall I say "Goodnight Gracie", and head off into the wings for that one final time?

The answer that I have come to dear friends, is a resounding,
"HELL'S NO!"

After weeks of sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I have decided to once again commence living the life I have been so fortunately blessed with. I absolutely, unequivocally refuse to allow the actions of one weak, selfish, cowardly man to determine my self-worth. I am done letting the past haunt me. What's done is done, and there is no potion in this world potent enough that were I to drink it down I could turn back the hands of time. And truth be told, as much as I have missed this man, as much as I have longed for his touch, I would not take the bullet I have dodged for any money in the world.

I believe in God my friends. No scratch that, I KNOW that there is a God. Don't panic. I'm not about to get all religious on you. The fact is that I am extremely anti organized religion. But spirituality is another matter entirely. My Ex was an Atheist. Since our break-up I have discovered a faith which I never knew could dwell within me. My higher power has proved to me again and again not only the power of its existence, but that its love and and its mercy are without limit. All I have to do is believe and trust in the love that God has for me, and I will be provided with everything that I could ever need. I have seen this displayed to me time and time again. And yesterday was a perfect example.

I met with my friend and mentor Courtney. We meet once a week to discuss philosophy, God, all of life's wonders and mysteries, and Brangelina. (Okay the last one not really but I am trying to lighten this entry up a bit for you guys so just bear with me.) I was telling Courtney how I just couldn't stop obsessing about my Ex and about our break-up. I knew that I was better than this. My logical mind couldn't justify what was happening to me. I was tired of being a woman stuck in the past, and I felt that my future was too bright and too glorious to let it escape me for even one more day. I was sick of marking off the days on my calender on which I had managed to avoid picking up the phone and reaching out to this man who was so far beneath any measure of what I deserved or wanted in my life, only to break down, contact him, and then have to begin the cycle all over again at day one.

So Courtney suggested that I offer it up to my higher power. "Why not relinquish it? Admit that you are out of control and ask for help. Say in your prayer, 'God, I am powerless over contacting this man. I am powerless over these obsessive thoughts. Only through you can I be set free. I pray that you will relieve me of this burden. Thank you God for your grace and your love.' Just offer it up and put it in God's hands."

Earlier that same day I had found myself wandering around the Whole Body in Chelsea. They have a tiny little book section with titles on health, healing, and (my favorite!) more self-help. I stumbled upon a volume called, The Power of Now a Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle. Apparently this book was a #1 New York Times bestseller and had sold over 2 million copies, yet I had never heard of it. I added it to my purchases, and didn't think much of it until last night when I curled up in bed with Jasper to read for a bit.

They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. My God never ceases to astound me with the ways in which he injects his wisdom into my life. Chapter One of the book is called "You are not Your Mind" and in that chapter I stumbled upon this.

"...I would say about 80 to 90 percent of most people's thinking is not only repetitive and useless, but because of its dysfunctional and often negative nature, much of it is also harmful...This kind of compulsive thinking is actually an addiction. You no longer feel you have the choice to stop. It seems stronger than you. It also gives you a false sense of pleasure, pleasure that invariably turns into pain...

As you grow up, you form a mental image of who you are, based on your personal and cultural conditioning. We may call this phantom self the ego...To the ego, the present moment hardly exists. Only past and future are considered important. This total reversal of the truth accounts for the fact that in the ego mode the mind is so dysfunctional. It is always concerned with keeping the past alive, because without it - who are you?...The present moment holds the key to liberation. But you cannot find the present moment as long as you ARE your mind."

Alright I realize that is some pretty heavy stuff, but hang in there guys because I think it may just have saved my life. There is only one moment, and that moment is now. There is only one place and that place is here. Everything else is an illusion playing with our minds.

I can let go of the past. I can stop projecting towards a future that will never be. I don't have to allow any of these thoughts to control me, and indeed in allowing my mind to dwell in this space, I am driving myself further and further away from living a truly enlightened existence.

Stop.
Stop right where you are.
Take a deep breath and then slowly exhale.
Where are you?
You are here.
What time is it?
It is now.
Nothing else is real.
Nothing else is true.
But being here, in the present, right NOW, this is our only truth.
And right now, there is no where else that I ever want to be.