Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen and Thank God

Today I am posting a picture of me to begin our happy little blog entry. There I am on the left looking pensive and possibly mentally challenged.
Have you ever felt like a sheep?
How about a jerk?
Have you ever felt like a Class A jerk?
Well it's actually official for me now gang.
I ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, am a huge, bona fide jerk.

I got confirmation of that last night from my Higher Power.
Or perhaps God just wanted me to snap out of the sorry state that I have been sulking in for the past two months. No matter, last night served as quite the wake up call for me, and I will be eternally grateful for the experience. So allow me to clue you in on the story.

After my last vicious blog post where I mercilessly tore into the woman (formerly known as MICHELLE) who is now dating my ex-boyfriend I received some phone calls.
And I received some texts,
and a couple of emails.
And all of these correspondences came from Michelle herself.

Allow me at this moment to take a time out here to post a picture of myself as a baby. This way you all can get a clearer idea of who you you are dealing with today.
Okay everyone got that image in their head?
Terrific let's move on shall we?

I know what you are thinking, and believe me I thought it too.
Why would I want to talk to this hateful person michelle?
Didn't she ruin my life?
Didn't she wreck my relationship and tear my family apart?
Isn't she some sort of evil cross between a bigfoot and a warlock?
I was disgusted, and angry and upset. I cried, and I cried, and then I cried some more.
And then I received the pictures that she sent me of her and my ex kissing.

And then I ran to the bathroom and threw up my dinner.

It's been a really rough couple of months guys.

I immediately texted the ex looking for support, for backup, "Do you know what she's doing? Can you make her leave me alone? Why would I want to talk to her? She is sending me pictures of the two of you? I took that photo of her down! Will you make her stop?!"

She texted me back from his phone and told me that not only did he know exactly what she was doing but that he had given her his phone with which to call me.
Then he sent me an email saying that I deserved whatever treatment I received now and that all the memories he had of us were ruined and we would no longer speak.

Then I ran to the bathroom and threw up again.

And that's when I determined that I might need some help.

I deleted the pictures from my email, and I sat down on my couch and I began to pray.
I am not a Christian.
But I do believe in a higher power.
And so I asked for guidance from that power.
What should I do?
Please help me God.
Tell me what path you want me to take.
Please help me to not have these feelings anymore.
Please take this pain away.
Please let me heal from all of this.
And then I reached for the phone.

I called the Ex's number knowing that she would answer.
And she did.
It was michelle.
And she had a voice.
She was real.
She was a human being not the monster that I had painted in my mind.
At first it was difficult.
She was angry, hurt, upset.
I was defensive, bitter, and betrayed.
We bickered back and forth.
She kept saying that I didn't know her.
How dare I write such horrible things about someone I didn't know.
I accused her of being a tramp and of breaking up a two year relationship.
We went back and forth like this for a while, talking over each other and getting nowhere.

And then something miraculous happened.
I don't know how or when but suddenly something in the tone of our conversation shifted.
And all at once I felt horribly, unabashedly ashamed.

Who had I become?
Was this the kind of person who I wanted to be?
The type of woman who slanders and abases people just to bolster their own shallow sense of self worth?

I remembered my favorite all time quote by Ghandi,
"We must BE the change we wish to see in the world."

Did I want to be a person who encouraged cruelty and maliciousness?
Someone who fed off of the humiliation and defamation of others?
Or did I long to strive for something greater?
Didn't I want to be a person who others admired,
not because of my looks, or my talents, or any of the superficial facets of my life,
but because of my character...because of my integrity?
Didn't I believe in the power of that quote?
And if I did, then what kind of "change" was I now displaying to the world?

We ended up talking for almost an hour.
I took down all of the blog posts that referenced her in any sort of cruel manner.
She wasn't a horrible woman.
And she certainly wasn't my enemy.
My relationship ended because it was time for it to end.
And my fear of being alone, of being lonely, is what kept me clinging to a partnership which hadn't been working for a long time.

Michelle wasn't the bogeyman.
She wasn't a "possessed witch haunting the black air." (that reference is for you Michelle:)
She didn't "steal" anything from me.
In fact she was kind.
She was understanding.
She was empathetic.
Her heart had been broken years before in a much more traumatic fashion.
And she understood my pain.
She never intended to be the cause of any of it.
She knew that my vitriol was a mere manifestation of my anger at my own failures.
Michelle didn't ruin my relationship.
My ex and I did that all on our own.
And my anger towards him, and towards myself, had nothing to do with her.

Wow.

It's been an exhausting emotional twenty-four hours kids.
Since our talk last night Michelle and I have exchanged several emails and IM's.
I warned her about some "Ex issues" that she might want to look out for.

(Incidentally we got along so well that I think the Ex might regret pairing us together. I am a wealth of Ex inside information, and you know how two Italian girls like to talk!)

She helped to talk me down last night when I was reliving all of the initial pain of our breakup. It's a lot easier to believe that your lover left you for a monster than it is to find out that he left you for a great and benevolent woman.
So last night I had to feel all of that pain again, and I found that I could hardly breathe because of it.
And Michelle helped me.
She calmed me.
She understood.
Even after I had called her terrible names like a twelve year-old.
She understood.
And she forgave me.
That's the kind of person who I want to be;
Forgiving, loving, understanding and kind.
We both fell in love with the same man.
And I don't pretend that everything is going to be easy from here on out.
But I do know that I feel a little better about myself and about the place I occupy in the world today.

And on that note, I would like to leave you all with my senior class portrait.
(A fairly accurate likeness depicted on the right.)
Thanks everyone for sticking by this mean witch even during the rougher days.
Have a happy Tuesday everybody!
And GO OBAMA!!!