Mommy's Little Man

Almost a year ago to this day exactly the cozy little Brooklyn unit I had created crumbled faster than an alcoholic's resolve at Oktoberfest. I was dumped hard, and I was dumped fast, and left behind with me was the puppy I had added to the clan two months prior; the puppy I had named Jasper.

As I stumbled through the early stages of grief Jasper was there to comfort me in my darkest periods of woe, and by "woe" I mean sing-sobbing Alanis's Jagged Little Pill album, professionally eating carbohydrates, and possibly devoting a blog to slandering my Ex, and his new "cunt-tacular" girlfriend...but then again my memory of that period is a little hazy. Jasper became the innocent, canine victim of this total meltdown I was managing to inflict on myself. I was lonely, and depressed, and bursting with gluten. So I made poor, sweet Jasper, "my man."

"Mommy's little man."

Yes, I am aware of how fucking creepy that sounds.

I realized I definitely had a problem when I was watching The Dog Whisperer. Caesar was doing his initial consultation, and he always asks the same question. What's the first thing that you do when you wake up in the morning? Is it go for a walk? Is it give a treat? Is it give praise?

Twenty minute make out session.
Sometimes we go longer, but it's always twenty minutes minimum.

I'm not really sure what Caesar would do with that information, but I'm pretty sure he would take away my dog. Look I'm not saying there is tongue. Although, yes there is definitely at least some tongue involved. We enjoy the stretch, the leisurely slow rise. Sometimes we talk about the day ahead. Some mornings it's just cuddling.

Yes, I am entirely guilty of anthropomorphizing my dog. (For all of you youngsters out there who have yet to take the SAT's you are going to need to know that one.) Yes, I have taken full advantage of his fluffy love over the past year, and shall likely continue to do so. Yes, I talk to him as if he understands me even in public on the street which P.S. has proved an AWESOME way to attract the opposite sex. Nothing reels in the men like a lady chatting up a dog in a cable-knit. So Jasper doesn't respond to me verbally, so what? He gives me plenty of love, and he is always happy to see me despite my worst moods, and neediest hours. Plus I have a fairly good idea of what Jasper would say if he could. This week I think these are the phrases that would have topped his list:

*Is that really what you're planning on wearing?
*I just think you've had enough that's all.
*You seriously still haven't done the laundry?
*It's not the color I would have chosen, but they're not my walls.
*Wait...are you eating chicken?
*So then explain the Rick Warren pick if he's your great messiah of change? Where's your messiah now, eh?