So there has been great demand out there calling for something hilarious to cut the bitter pill we have all been forced to swallow today. So here is my feeble attempt kids.
Yes this blows.
Yes we are all upset.
We won't get to see Gerard and Blake jump around in their little Prussian pantsuits anymore. Emma's haunting "Blue Wind" will only live in our memories.
And most importantly I will not be getting paid.
But let's try to keep things in perspective here and look on the bright side. We have three more months of fun, frolic and abortions left to go at the Eugene O'Neill. There are lots of shows left to perform, maybe even a few where a certain actress may feel under the weather and a certain other actress may have to step in and play the role as she has to do from time to time...ahem...My point is that no one has died (except Moritz, and Wendla BUNCHES of times) so there is no need to torture your parents with excessive sobbing. I promise you that life will go on. This show will always hold a special place in your heart just like Kirk Cameron will always be a super hottie to me even though now he is a crazy fundamentalist born again freak show. (Seriously Google Kirk Cameron. It's some scary fucking shit.)
You'll have new passions. You'll sing new songs. Some of you will discover new things like daylight and human contact. Whole worlds are going to open up for you now.
There will be other shows for you to love. There will be other bands that you cherish. Some actors you will always remember (like me) and some you will forget (Drew Tyler what?). But someday in the future the pain will ease. Look I KNOWS me some pain kids. I had my heart handed to me still beating and bleeding in the beginning of this year as many of you loyal readers know. Pain is not something that you can just kill with two Tylenol PM and three shots of bourbon. After six or seven attempts I figured that out. It takes time. It sucks, it sucks, it sucks, and it takes time. Bourbon helps a little. My best advice? Enjoy the show. Cherish this time. Be grateful that we all got to share in something really magical. And don't eat any foods that are artificially orange colored. God never intended for Cheetos to happen. It's just one of man's many failings.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Terry served in the Navy.
The question is on Israel.
Florida is on the line.
The elderly Jews are leaning into the TV.
The second holocaust talk is grating. I'm sorry but it is.
Africans are being raped and killed en masse as we speak and we could give a fuck because they don't have espresso bars and museums in the Congo.
YES! Barack advocates talking to people!
Even our enemies! Even people we don't like!
What a novel fucking concept!
Most of us learned this idea in kindergarten.
Aw...Michelle is pretty.
I hope they don't show Cindy up that close.
Her wonk Vicodin eyes give me nightmares.
The question is on Israel.
Florida is on the line.
The elderly Jews are leaning into the TV.
The second holocaust talk is grating. I'm sorry but it is.
Africans are being raped and killed en masse as we speak and we could give a fuck because they don't have espresso bars and museums in the Congo.
YES! Barack advocates talking to people!
Even our enemies! Even people we don't like!
What a novel fucking concept!
Most of us learned this idea in kindergarten.
Aw...Michelle is pretty.
I hope they don't show Cindy up that close.
Her wonk Vicodin eyes give me nightmares.
Pakistan...touchy subject.
McCain has decided to talk about TEDDY ROOSEVELT?
Yeah that completely doesn't make you look as old as Montgomery Burns John.
McCain is completely flat lining on CNN's Uncommitted Ohio Voters Meter.
Again Barack comes out with "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran" which is a nice hit to land.
Uh oh.
McCain is sucking down the water like his wooden dentures have dried out.
Grandpa is looking tired.
Oh boy a Putin question!
McCain says no Cold War part II.
Why exactly does Barack need to apologize for being wrong about the surge when he was RIGHT ABOUT NOT FUCKING GOING INTO IRAQ!!!
McCain is wishy washy on whether Russia is evil or not because he wants their oil.
That's sweet.
McCain has decided to talk about TEDDY ROOSEVELT?
Yeah that completely doesn't make you look as old as Montgomery Burns John.
McCain is completely flat lining on CNN's Uncommitted Ohio Voters Meter.
Again Barack comes out with "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iran" which is a nice hit to land.
Uh oh.
McCain is sucking down the water like his wooden dentures have dried out.
Grandpa is looking tired.
Oh boy a Putin question!
McCain says no Cold War part II.
Why exactly does Barack need to apologize for being wrong about the surge when he was RIGHT ABOUT NOT FUCKING GOING INTO IRAQ!!!
McCain is wishy washy on whether Russia is evil or not because he wants their oil.
That's sweet.
Amen Barack! Making healthcare sound sweet and easy. That's how it should be.
You can tell the people in the audience are average Americans because they look fat and miserable.
I'm thinking about moving to Sweden.
They have healthcare there.
P.S. Where did they find all of these black people willing to go on TV and say that they haven't decided yet if they are going to vote for the first black president? I would be afraid to go home again for fear that my friends would all be hiding in my house waiting to kick the shit out of me.
But that's probably just because I have really good friends.
Diminished respect is what Obama is talking about and again linking Bush and McCain together.
Their foreign policy turned our country into a nation of distrust, and led directly to the world's inaction in Darfur. Other nations would not support our efforts because they no longer listen to us or see us as responsible leaders.
You can tell the people in the audience are average Americans because they look fat and miserable.
I'm thinking about moving to Sweden.
They have healthcare there.
P.S. Where did they find all of these black people willing to go on TV and say that they haven't decided yet if they are going to vote for the first black president? I would be afraid to go home again for fear that my friends would all be hiding in my house waiting to kick the shit out of me.
But that's probably just because I have really good friends.
Diminished respect is what Obama is talking about and again linking Bush and McCain together.
Their foreign policy turned our country into a nation of distrust, and led directly to the world's inaction in Darfur. Other nations would not support our efforts because they no longer listen to us or see us as responsible leaders.
"That one!" McCain pointed at Obama and said "That one."
I didn't like it.
Lindsey asking about healthcare as a commodity.
What is McCain doing in the background? Some sort of hand signal to someone off camera.
He sort of cupped his hand around his chest.
Maybe he has heartburn?
Oh sweet Lord please don't be dying.
I don't trust America not to be stupid enough to put Palin into office on a wave of sympathy.
No one excluded for pre-existing conditions in Obama's healthcare proposal.
Here's the thing.
My father is seven years younger than McCain, and he looks about 25 years younger.
Plus he wears much less makeup.
Hanoi Hilton time is hard time.
This guy DOES not have 8 years. I don't think he has 4. Call me a pessimist.
I didn't like it.
Lindsey asking about healthcare as a commodity.
What is McCain doing in the background? Some sort of hand signal to someone off camera.
He sort of cupped his hand around his chest.
Maybe he has heartburn?
Oh sweet Lord please don't be dying.
I don't trust America not to be stupid enough to put Palin into office on a wave of sympathy.
No one excluded for pre-existing conditions in Obama's healthcare proposal.
Here's the thing.
My father is seven years younger than McCain, and he looks about 25 years younger.
Plus he wears much less makeup.
Hanoi Hilton time is hard time.
This guy DOES not have 8 years. I don't think he has 4. Call me a pessimist.
McCain's idea to fix Medicare=A table full of smart people.
Okay.
Ingrid asking about the environment! And McCain doesn't know her name!
"Thank you...uh.."
Joe Lieberman is McCain's tough partner on the environment!?
Okay look if you're burning Eminem cd's or looking for a good matzoh meal than Lieberman is your man, but environmental legislation? Are you kidding me?
McCain voted 23 times against alternative fuels Obama points out.
DRILL! drink
Brokaw is getting downright testy about timekeeping.
Okay.
Ingrid asking about the environment! And McCain doesn't know her name!
"Thank you...uh.."
Joe Lieberman is McCain's tough partner on the environment!?
Okay look if you're burning Eminem cd's or looking for a good matzoh meal than Lieberman is your man, but environmental legislation? Are you kidding me?
McCain voted 23 times against alternative fuels Obama points out.
DRILL! drink
Brokaw is getting downright testy about timekeeping.
Tom Brokaw looks like he needs a drink.
Too bad he's not playing with us.
Ugh. Again with the McCain and the "he wants to raise taxes" rant.
McCain said "Obama has a secret,"
and Obama leaned in with a smile on his face like
"Really? I have a secret mother fucker? What's my secret?"
9:39 BROKAW THROWS DOWN!!!
Seriously the rules of this debate are 31 pages long.
That what he means when he says, "No you can't respond." Because your people are asshole and have driven us all insane.
95% of you will get a tax cut on Obama's plan.
Did everyone get that?
Too bad he's not playing with us.
Ugh. Again with the McCain and the "he wants to raise taxes" rant.
McCain said "Obama has a secret,"
and Obama leaned in with a smile on his face like
"Really? I have a secret mother fucker? What's my secret?"
9:39 BROKAW THROWS DOWN!!!
Seriously the rules of this debate are 31 pages long.
That what he means when he says, "No you can't respond." Because your people are asshole and have driven us all insane.
95% of you will get a tax cut on Obama's plan.
Did everyone get that?
Fiorra in Chicago asks a good question.
War bonds? Nylon stockings? What do we have to do?
EARMARKS!!! drink
McCain ONLY wants to spend on defense. So no education? No healthcare?
A spending freeze on everything else?
McCain is rolling with the rhetoric.
Uh oh...Obama is going all 9/11 on us...careful...don't pull a Rudi...
Ok we're safe.
DRILL! drink
Nice! Save energy in your homes! Personal responsibility! I like it!
Volunteering! The Peace Corps! Obama brings hope to the masses!
Let's hold hands and sing!
War bonds? Nylon stockings? What do we have to do?
EARMARKS!!! drink
McCain ONLY wants to spend on defense. So no education? No healthcare?
A spending freeze on everything else?
McCain is rolling with the rhetoric.
Uh oh...Obama is going all 9/11 on us...careful...don't pull a Rudi...
Ok we're safe.
DRILL! drink
Nice! Save energy in your homes! Personal responsibility! I like it!
Volunteering! The Peace Corps! Obama brings hope to the masses!
Let's hold hands and sing!
EARMARKS! drink
EARMARKS! drink
DRILL! drink
Healthcare, Energy, and Social Security...which first and McCain says...All of em!
Hey that's what Sarah said when Katie asked her what kind of magazines she reads.
TERRORIST! drink
Ooo this is a good question! Brokaw loves to party!
Barack...Energy first. Amen. Bad for national security and bad for our economy. 15 billion over ten years to free us from our dependence on foreign oil.
Healthcare two and EDUCATION three so that Oliver can learn how to read a sentence.
EARMARKS! drink
EARMARKS! drink
DRILL! drink
Healthcare, Energy, and Social Security...which first and McCain says...All of em!
Hey that's what Sarah said when Katie asked her what kind of magazines she reads.
TERRORIST! drink
Ooo this is a good question! Brokaw loves to party!
Barack...Energy first. Amen. Bad for national security and bad for our economy. 15 billion over ten years to free us from our dependence on foreign oil.
Healthcare two and EDUCATION three so that Oliver can learn how to read a sentence.
EARMARKS! drink
Fannie May was a candy store in my home town.
They sold delicious chocolates.
If I had known they were going to ruin our country I would have shopped elsewhere.
McCain is left handed. I just noticed.
I don't know if that means anything but his tie is creepy.
And he's not wearing a tie pin so who's unpatriotic now? Huh?
I really wish that for the next debate they both came out dressed as giant flag pins so everyone could just shut the fuck up about it already.
BUSH! Thanks for mentioning Captain Disaster Obama!
HELLO! McCain has been a consistent REFORMER! Another one left out of the drinking game.
Damn you guys are sober.
They sold delicious chocolates.
If I had known they were going to ruin our country I would have shopped elsewhere.
McCain is left handed. I just noticed.
I don't know if that means anything but his tie is creepy.
And he's not wearing a tie pin so who's unpatriotic now? Huh?
I really wish that for the next debate they both came out dressed as giant flag pins so everyone could just shut the fuck up about it already.
BUSH! Thanks for mentioning Captain Disaster Obama!
HELLO! McCain has been a consistent REFORMER! Another one left out of the drinking game.
Damn you guys are sober.
Ok Obama needs to STOP saying McCain is right about anything.
Even if McCain says, "Pudding is good,"
Obama needs to come back with, "No. Pudding is shit. It's poison."
Okay my first problem with the question from Oliver is that grammatically it was a nightmare.
Could we teach children to read and speak properly?
Could a candidate talk about that please?
I like Obama's tie. Violet...almost periwinkle.
FOX news will probably call him gay tomorrow.
Even if McCain says, "Pudding is good,"
Obama needs to come back with, "No. Pudding is shit. It's poison."
Okay my first problem with the question from Oliver is that grammatically it was a nightmare.
Could we teach children to read and speak properly?
Could a candidate talk about that please?
I like Obama's tie. Violet...almost periwinkle.
FOX news will probably call him gay tomorrow.
Part One...
McCain talking about energy independence?
WHAT?
That was his opening line. There's a new tactic.
Holy God. McCain's makeup looks like it was put on by a mortician.
What did they use spackle?
Wow. McCain is looking at Obama this time. That's a nice change of pace. He definitely seems more at home in this format. This is where he is supposed to thrive and you can tell he likes to work the room like this.
DAMN IT! I forgot to put CRONY(ISM) on the drinking list.
Sorry guys.
WHAT?
That was his opening line. There's a new tactic.
Holy God. McCain's makeup looks like it was put on by a mortician.
What did they use spackle?
Wow. McCain is looking at Obama this time. That's a nice change of pace. He definitely seems more at home in this format. This is where he is supposed to thrive and you can tell he likes to work the room like this.
DAMN IT! I forgot to put CRONY(ISM) on the drinking list.
Sorry guys.
The Town Hall Debate Pre Show
Tonight is the town hall style debate between our two presidential candidates Old Man McSame and Barack "Hope of the Universe" Obama. This is throwdown time for McCain. His campaign has taken a truly ugly turn this past week attempting to smear Obama by linking him with William Ayers with whom Obama served on a Chicago board of educational reform in the mid 1990's. Ayers was the infamous leader of the radical leftist group The Weather Underground which terrorized the nation with bombings and violent protests in the 1960's and 70's. Criminal charges against him were dropped in 1980, and he currently holds the title of Distinguished Professor at the University of Illinois at Chicago. According to the Associated Press, they are not close: “No evidence shows they were “pals” or even close when they worked on community boards years ago …” The acts Ayers perpetrated, which Obama publicly denounced, were committed 40 years ago...when Obama was 8. This is a truly desperate hail mary attempt by the McCain campaign to hurl mud at Obama any which way that they can and I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't splash back their way.
It's like this. I did a show once with Michael C.Hall. I was an understudy, he played the lead. We ran for a few months. We talked as work associates backstage. We never went out for drinks or hung around outside of work (although man would I have liked to. WOOF!) When the show ended our association ended. Nice working with you, all the best. He now plays a serial killer on a show called Dexter. According to the GOP logic I fully support and endorse serial killers. My best friends are serial killers, and I won't be happy until serial killers kill you, your children, and everyone you love. All because I did a play with Michael C. Hall.
I'm beginning to think the GOP are magik. Not magic like magicians, but magik like witches and fairies and elves! They made John Kerry a purple heart recieving war hero look like a draft dodging coward compared to...well, a draft dodging coward. They can make Sarah Palin see Russia from her house! Now she can name all the tzars by heart and in order! They can even turn an eight year old Barack Obama into a terrorist! That is some kool-aid they are drinking over at Karl Rove's house. Which brings me to the most important part of tonight's debate. The drinking game! Here are the rules kids. Good luck!
MAVERICK take a shot
FREEDOM take a shot
HOPE take a shot
TERROR/ take a shot
TERRORIST(S)
GREED take a shot
SPENDING take a shot
EARMARKS take a shot
DRILL take a shot
That should get everyone completely destroyed by my count.
Let the games begin!
It's like this. I did a show once with Michael C.Hall. I was an understudy, he played the lead. We ran for a few months. We talked as work associates backstage. We never went out for drinks or hung around outside of work (although man would I have liked to. WOOF!) When the show ended our association ended. Nice working with you, all the best. He now plays a serial killer on a show called Dexter. According to the GOP logic I fully support and endorse serial killers. My best friends are serial killers, and I won't be happy until serial killers kill you, your children, and everyone you love. All because I did a play with Michael C. Hall.
I'm beginning to think the GOP are magik. Not magic like magicians, but magik like witches and fairies and elves! They made John Kerry a purple heart recieving war hero look like a draft dodging coward compared to...well, a draft dodging coward. They can make Sarah Palin see Russia from her house! Now she can name all the tzars by heart and in order! They can even turn an eight year old Barack Obama into a terrorist! That is some kool-aid they are drinking over at Karl Rove's house. Which brings me to the most important part of tonight's debate. The drinking game! Here are the rules kids. Good luck!
MAVERICK take a shot
FREEDOM take a shot
HOPE take a shot
TERROR/ take a shot
TERRORIST(S)
GREED take a shot
SPENDING take a shot
EARMARKS take a shot
DRILL take a shot
That should get everyone completely destroyed by my count.
Let the games begin!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Well I think Biden pretty much nailed it.
He was cordial, confident and charming.
Unlike old man McSame he never seemed smug or condescending to the lesser experienced Palin. He was bold in his declarations and clear in his statements.
Palin was a carefully presented package of the same rhetoric and talking points.
We've had eight years of talking points.
Bush's disapproval rating is now at 70%. That's the lowest of any president in American history, lower than Hoover during the Great Depression, lower even than Nixon during the height of the Watergate scandal. I would ask what more could Bush do to fuck up the country before he leaves office but frankly I am terrified of what he could come up with. At the very least I am sure he will manage to get drunk, piss in the Rose garden and set it on fire.
Biden did his job tonight and did it well. Sarah Palin was a woman clearly out of her league. Two more Presidential debates to go. 32 days left...
He was cordial, confident and charming.
Unlike old man McSame he never seemed smug or condescending to the lesser experienced Palin. He was bold in his declarations and clear in his statements.
Palin was a carefully presented package of the same rhetoric and talking points.
We've had eight years of talking points.
Bush's disapproval rating is now at 70%. That's the lowest of any president in American history, lower than Hoover during the Great Depression, lower even than Nixon during the height of the Watergate scandal. I would ask what more could Bush do to fuck up the country before he leaves office but frankly I am terrified of what he could come up with. At the very least I am sure he will manage to get drunk, piss in the Rose garden and set it on fire.
Biden did his job tonight and did it well. Sarah Palin was a woman clearly out of her league. Two more Presidential debates to go. 32 days left...
Oh dear me! It's just so obvious that I'm an outsider! I'm just a silly little girl from Alaska! What do I know about you big Washington boys and your big silly politics? Americans want a straight talker and I'm not a politician!
When she plays coy I feel like I may never stop vomiting.
Gwen just asked the most terrifying question of the night.
What would happen if McCain kicked it and left us with President Moose Panties.
"MAVERICKS!" Take 2 shots!
She just said "doggone it".
Seriously...please help me.
She's sending shout out's.
The woman is sending shout out's.
She thinks she's on TRL.
When she plays coy I feel like I may never stop vomiting.
Gwen just asked the most terrifying question of the night.
What would happen if McCain kicked it and left us with President Moose Panties.
"MAVERICKS!" Take 2 shots!
She just said "doggone it".
Seriously...please help me.
She's sending shout out's.
The woman is sending shout out's.
She thinks she's on TRL.
9:56 MAVERICK! EVERYONE DRINKS!
Did she honestly just say that John McCain is KNOWN for reaching across partisan lines?
Um...like this past week?
When he was known for flying to Washington and fucking everything up for both parties?
"We're securing democracy and building schools in Afghanistan!"
I would give up next weeks paycheck if Gwen Ifill just stopped everything right there and said, "Governor Palin would you please spell Afghanistan?"
10:00 you can hear Biden audibly sighing into the microphone. The man has been a senator for three decades and he is reduced to debating a beauty queen.
We're sighing for you Joe.
Did she honestly just say that John McCain is KNOWN for reaching across partisan lines?
Um...like this past week?
When he was known for flying to Washington and fucking everything up for both parties?
"We're securing democracy and building schools in Afghanistan!"
I would give up next weeks paycheck if Gwen Ifill just stopped everything right there and said, "Governor Palin would you please spell Afghanistan?"
10:00 you can hear Biden audibly sighing into the microphone. The man has been a senator for three decades and he is reduced to debating a beauty queen.
We're sighing for you Joe.
Oh sweet Lord this poor woman.
She's talking about Israel now.
She was talking with Katie Couric about her lesbian friend.
I wonder when we get to meet her Jewish friend.
Are there any Jews in Alaska?
Do you think they gave Palin a knish when she came to NYC and prayed that she would learn through osmosis? "Here Sarah eat this. Now listen to this recording of 'Fiddler on the Roof'".
"Diplomacy is hard work by serious people." Sarah Palin October 2, 2008
Wow.
Take note kids.
That's sure to grace the pages of future history texts for generations to come.
She's talking about Israel now.
She was talking with Katie Couric about her lesbian friend.
I wonder when we get to meet her Jewish friend.
Are there any Jews in Alaska?
Do you think they gave Palin a knish when she came to NYC and prayed that she would learn through osmosis? "Here Sarah eat this. Now listen to this recording of 'Fiddler on the Roof'".
"Diplomacy is hard work by serious people." Sarah Palin October 2, 2008
Wow.
Take note kids.
That's sure to grace the pages of future history texts for generations to come.
Live Blogging the VP Debate the Pre-Show
Honestly I'm terrified.
I have seriously been a nervous wreck all day.
If Biden fucks this up tonight I may just have to drive to Delaware and light the whole damned state on fire. These last few weeks of watching McCain implode have been so tremendously fulfilling. Each new morning has been like Easter, and I have eagerly raced to my laptop each day to see what chocolately egg Grandpa McSame has left for me in the night.
The Couric interviews have been especially delicious.
Discovering that Sarah Palin enjoys reading "all of them" when asked to name some specific sources of media which she references on a regular basis was a moment that I truly cherished.
So tonight all Biden has to do is not be smug, not be condescending, and allow her to trip all over herself. Then Obama can be president and we can go about fixing the disaster that this past eight years has wreaked on the world entire.
I have seriously been a nervous wreck all day.
If Biden fucks this up tonight I may just have to drive to Delaware and light the whole damned state on fire. These last few weeks of watching McCain implode have been so tremendously fulfilling. Each new morning has been like Easter, and I have eagerly raced to my laptop each day to see what chocolately egg Grandpa McSame has left for me in the night.
The Couric interviews have been especially delicious.
Discovering that Sarah Palin enjoys reading "all of them" when asked to name some specific sources of media which she references on a regular basis was a moment that I truly cherished.
So tonight all Biden has to do is not be smug, not be condescending, and allow her to trip all over herself. Then Obama can be president and we can go about fixing the disaster that this past eight years has wreaked on the world entire.
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