Gods and Demons

I have a problem. It's a serious problem, and I can't hide it from you guys anymore. I have cowered in the closet for too long, sneaking around corners, and exchanging bills for my fix wherever I could get it. I think it is time now that I come clean, really and truly clean, and just lay it all out there for the world to judge. The shame has been eating me alive. The guilt, the evasions, the lies, I just can't go on living like this anymore. And I don't want to disappoint those that love me by pretending that I am "fine" any longer. So I am here today to confess my transgressions, and to pray that some of you out there will be able to empathize with my weakness.
The sad, sorry truth is...

I have a sugar problem.

We're way beyond just Entenmann's here people.

The Sri Lankan guy at the Rock Center Dunkin' Donuts knows my name...my full name.
It's not good.
He smiles at me as he slowly, SLOWLY pours my coffee. This man knows all of my filthy secrets.

"JUST GIVE ME THE DONUTS MAN! I HAVE TO GO TO WORK!"

It's not pretty. I'm not proud of who I have become. I'm a monster, a sugar addict who is likely to fly off into a fit of rage at even the slightest provocation.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE OUT OF CHOCOLATE FROSTED? THIS IS DUNKIN' FUCKING DONUTS! THAT'S LIKE THE MOST POPULAR VARIETY! YOU DON'T JUST RUN OUT OF THEM! IF THERE ARE NONE LEFT THEN I GUESS IT'S TIME TO MAKE THE FUCKING DONUTS!!!"

Oh the shame! The humiliation my addiction has wrought. The looks I receive from the mothers standing between me and terrified children in Maclaren strollers, the brokers in suits still riding their coke binges from the previous night who glare at me like I'm a mildew stain on a shower curtain, even the homeless lady with the twelve plastic bags from Conway seems to look at me and say, "Wow. She is a fucking mess."

I've tried to go without. I've attempted to throw this monkey off of my back in the past. I once went three whole days without eating any sugar. By the end of that third night I was maybe six hours away from spending the rest of my days gluing houses out of popsicle sticks, and eagerly anticipating "Taco Night".

Here's the thing guys. On the whole I actually try to eat pretty well, and I think that I lead a fairly healthy lifestyle. I am still working on the smoking thing (Thank you so much for that recurring demon Mr. Ex-boyfriend) but other than that damage I do pretty well. Other than the occasional Dunkin' Donut sugar catastrophe, I buy my groceries at Westerly, Whole Foods, or the health food store near my house in Brooklyn. I cook at home as often as I can, and when I do I use almost exclusively organic ingredients.

I go to the Farmers Market on the weekends, and I even joined the local CSA in my neighborhood so that I will be able to get organic produce fresh from the farm all summer long. If you guys don't know what a CSA is it stands for "Community Supported Agriculture." Basically you pay a flat fee to the farmer for the season, and every week they bring a basket of organic produce straight from the farm to a spot in your hood where you can go and pick it up. It's a really great bargain and a wonderful way to get the freshest food, and support local farmers at the same time. My farm is called "Hearty Roots Community Farm" in Tivoli, New York so every other week this summer I will know exactly where and how my food was grown.

Now if I could just break the sugar bitch who lives inside of me...all would be right as rain.

And now on a totally unrelated topic, please do the following things.
Think of the following as homework for your heart.

PLEASE watch and sing along to the beautiful Julie Taymor film Across the Universe. I didn't think it was possible for me to love John Lennon anymore than I already did. This film made me fall all over again. Lennon was a prophet and his words ring true now more than ever.

PLEASE go to see the wonderful, amazing piece of Broadway theatre called Passing Strange. It is so innovative, so unique, and it features a tremendously talented cast of actors and musicians who pour their hearts into their performances. It is truly a must see for anyone who loves music or theatre.

And finally check out the book Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. There are three volumes to the series. I am only through the first book and it has completely changed the way I view each and every day of my life. Trust me. Just give it ten pages next time you are at the Barnes and Noble, and I am certain you will want to take it home with you.

That's all I've got kids.
More fun to come.

Long Time No Blog

I don't want to talk about it.
Seriously guys,
I don't EVEN want to talk about it.

Let me just say this. It has NOT been pretty. This month long absence, I'm not going to really get into it. I can't. It's really just too insane, and quite frankly I don't think anyone would believe me if I actually put it into writing. Let me just say that I got hit hard by a really unbalanced person, and it threw my game off big time.

Usually I am better at shielding myself against this kind of spiritual intrusion. I like to think that I am a fairly good judge of character, or at least I thought I was up until quite recently. But someone slipped under my radar, and long story short I ended up trusting a person who I shouldn't have, and paying dearly for it in the end.

It's been a rough month. Hell I don't have to tell you regular readers, it's been a rough year. But I am healing once again. The Spring is here in New York City, and everything looks new and fresh again. And like the blossoms on the trees I feel new life flowing within me, and I am ready once again to begin a new chapter in my life.

I can't even begin to tell you how many blog entries I have started and abandoned over these past few weeks. I think I just needed to spend some time inside of myself if that makes sense. As much as I love blathering on for all of the world to endure on these pages, I think I needed to just shut up for a while.

Shutting up...now there's a tough concept for me to latch on to. I have always been a talker. Words such as "lively", "spirited" and "outgoing" were liberally sprinkled throughout my childhood report cards. These words of course served as extremely polite euphemisms for "hyperactive", "obnoxious" and "annoying". I was one of those kids; bossy, loud, selfish and prone to telling ridiculous lies. I also cursed like a sailor with scurvy. I'm talking from about age eight to pretty much the present day. I still have trouble carrying on a conversation with my parents without the word "fuck" slipping out at one point or another. What can I tell you? I'm from New Jersey.

So being quiet has never been my strong suit. This has of course served me very well in my career. There's not a huge market out there for mute actors. In fact I think Marlee Matlin has booked every single role written for a deaf woman in the past 25 years. Seriously how old is she, like 70? Regardless, talking is my bread and butter. Mercury is my ruling planet according to my horoscope and it is the planet of communication. I am a Gemini and a Virgo ascendant which is also ruled by Mercury, so I am twice ruled by the planet of communication. What does this mean? It means astrology is a load of horse shit. And yet, I still keep on talking.

So this summer I am planning on going on a silent retreat upstate. It is a meditation retreat where you practice the Buddhist contemplative practice of remaining in silence for days so as to still your mind and come into present awareness. It scares the crap out of me. But I am going to give it a shot.

Okay, my show is almost done and my dog is waiting to be rescued from daycare. So I guess that's it for this very exciting post. I will try to liven the next one up a bit for you guys.

Maybe I'll talk about "The Hills", and what a complete and utter douche nozzle that Spencer guy is. Seriously? I really need to not watch MTV ever. It just fills me with sadness and resentment and makes me think terrible thoughts. Like the thought of that Spencer guy getting beaten to death with a bat on Hollywood Boulevard, see I would totally DVR that. (Sigh.) These are the thoughts that MTV puts in my head. I remember when they used to show videos on that there music channel. Yes, I am really THAT old. (Sigh.) And don't get me started on VH1. I mean Brett Michaels? You want to compete to date Brett Michaels? Why not just take a trip to the Port Authority Bus Terminal in a skirt and no panties and cop a squat on all of the benches? Maybe lick the floor at the Au Bon Pain while you're at it.
Oops.
I probably shouldn't wish for someone to be beaten to death on national television, AND talk about Buddhist principals and my new found insights in the same post...
Shit...
I'll work on that for next time.
It's all a work in progress guys.