OMG you guys! The Hills finale totally blew!

Yes that's right. I'm admitting it.
I watch The Hills.
We all have our demons to wrestle with folks.
And watching these vapid, vacant eyed walking trust funds attempt to portray the "reality" of their incredibly dull existences is one of my guiltiest and most shameful pleasures.
This past week was the season finale and man oh man was it so totally worth the wait! I mean absolutely nothing happened, literally nothing! I don't even know how the MTV producers managed to capture "nothing" on video. They're fucking geniuses! Man those night classes at the New York Film Academy really paid off!
What a completely uneventful waste of film this entire series has been. These girls, all a scant five years away from their first botox injection, are so completely and utterly boring that the producers can't even seem to manufacture enough fake drama to make them even slightly interesting.
"OMG you guys! Lo and L.C. are like B.F.F.'s and Audrina is feeling totally on the outs. This is like so completely intense right now! What will happen? OMG!"
That was the big dramatic climax of the finale.
So when Lauren (aka L.C.) went to Audrina's part of the house to confront her about their troubled friendship she knocked on the door and Audrina was...
wait for it...
wait for it...
READING.
Look deep into these eyes kids.
You can almost hear the canaries twittering about in her wee little skull can't you?
This is not a woman who reads.
This is a woman who categorizes Cosmo as literature.
How much "reality" am I supposed to swallow here MTV?
Unless that paperback was from the Gossip Girl series there is no way in hell that book belongs to that bimbo.
Ok, I'm being a little hard on poor Audrina here. Truly she is probably the least offensive element of the entire series. And I am not expecting to watch this show and see actual "reality" on display. I mean calling The Hills a documentary program is like hanging a cross in a strip club and calling it a church. It just doesn't cut it.
But frankly that's what makes this travesty of a program that much more appalling. I mean if there are people scripting this trash, then what genius producer decided that the best way for Heidi to end the season was to blow off her boss, fuck up her career, and reunite with Spencer the world's most malignant scrotum cyst? Is this the example that we are now setting for America's young women MTV?
Call me old fashioned but back when I was a teen society had these quaint little concepts called "dignity" and "self-respect" that it tried to force feed us through health class film strips and feminine hygiene commercials. It was sweet really, and some of it actually seeped into our consciousness.
Now I'm not expecting MTV to do what is right for today's youth. After all it is entertainment not education. BUT COME ON PRODUCERS! You couldn't for the sake of all of the young girls out there have Heidi tell Spencer to go fuck himself, and go back to her job with her head held high? She REALLY needed to give up everything that was important to her for a guy? For a guy who is as big of an ass hat as Spencer at that? Thanks MTV for setting back America's feminist movement a solid thirty years. You guys rock.
And on a related topic, if I have to hear that fucking song "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" one more time I swear to you I am going to personally hunt down every single last one of the Pussycat Dolls and titty slap them right across their implants. How about releasing a song called "Don't Cha Wish You Had Enough Dignity and Self-Respect to Not Pursue a Man in a Committed Relationship...Don't Cha?" Ok maybe the hook isn't quite as catchy but I think the message is much more appropriate.
Ok I'm done ranting.
More later.
I am going to go ask Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem to forgive us our trespasses.
Goddess have mercy on us all!

More Fun with Facebook Dating

Oh how sad and infrequent my blogging has become! I had a request today at the stage door to return to my ranting and raving as soon as I could summon the angst. So here I am dear readers back with yet another installment of the misadventures of my existence.

Let me begin by saying that my experiments in Facebook dating have gone forward and have not all been tragic. I have been burned before my friends. I'm not out there looking for "Mr. Right" or even for "Mr. Right Now". I am just casually seeking new friends, new acquaintances, and new people to buy me dinner. So though I have been dismayed in the past (the man from Qatar who wrote me on a Sunday morning at 11:13 AM to ask if I wanted to "meet on Union Square at noon to have some Sunday bunch" springs to mind) I dove back into the Facebook swamp to see if I could pull a frog prince out from amongst the horny toads.

I went out recently on a date with a guy who I met through some monstrously awful application called "Are you Interested?" So because of this my expectations were pretty low. Incidentally I am being stalked on this same application daily by a man who appears to be some sort of pixelated cowboy, and who is doubtless a serial killer. I'm not kidding. This is his profile picture.




He keeps sending me gifts of cartoon bottles of wine. You ever try to get drunk on cartoon wine? It's almost impossible.

What's that you say readers?
You would like to see some of the other "hotties" who have expressed an interest in little old me? Why sure! Please enjoy this cavalcade of actual photos I have received from suitors the world over!



According to this man's profile he is both married, and a minister.
Soooooo my type.











Trying not to be offended here.













I don't even know what this thing is.





I really wish I were kidding.

So anyway, back to the date with the guy I actually agreed to go out with only after insisting on seeing several different photos from various heights and angles. He works in finance. He has a career where he sits in an office, and wears suits with cuff links and buys and sells and invests in stuff. Hey guys, want to know every single thing that I know about money? It's green. That's it.

On a side note while looking for fun images to spruce up this entry I Googled "men in suits" and guess what came up? PORN! This only confirms my theory that you can Google pretty much anything in the world and still wind up with porn. Seriously, go try it. Google "Creamy Nougat"...BOOM! Picture of naked fat ladies! Why? Google doesn't answer these questions and Google doesn't have to answer these questions. There are some mysteries in this world that we are just not meant to uncover my friends.

Anyway, Mr. Finance and I did have a nice time but there will be no details here kids because I fear that he may read the blog and Lord knows nothing but bad could come of that. Suffice it to say we might see each other again.

So I have been doing some dating, catching up on my reading, hanging out with my dog, and riding my bike in the park. All in all the Spring is treating me rather well. But I mean come on people! Is it possible for it to get any worse after the Winter that I just had? Never mind, I take that back. Let me not tempt fate here. I don't want New York to get washed away in a Tsunami tomorrow just because I said that "it couldn't get any worse." Let's just say everything is exactly how it is supposed to be at this precise moment. Fair? Brilliant, moving on then.

But speaking of New York getting destroyed I am so OVER watching all of these movies where I have to see my hometown get obliterated in this ridiculously expensive CGI style. I don't need this shit Hollywood thank you very much! Those of us who were here for 9/11 don't care to relive it via spider dropping Godzilla monsters or people munching mutant dogs.

This past week I sat through both Cloverfield AND I am Legend and were it not for my career, and my mortal fear of mediocrity I swear to you I would have moved back in with my parents in New Jersey. Nobody ever annihilates Jersey in the movies. I mean seriously what's there to ruin? "Oh my God! They blew up Arby's! NOOOOOOOO!" Not quite the same dramatic impact as seeing the Brooklyn bridge crumble into the Hudson...twice...in two separate movies...in one freaking week! I mean Jesus screenwriters can't you guys conference call each other or something please? The people of New York are tired of being blue screened to bits in all of your sick cinematic terror fantasies. Take out Cleveland for once! At least that one would be a surprise.

Alright that's all I've got for this session. I will be back with more to bitch about soon I am sure. No worries kids. I can always find something to take issue with. Until then...peace!