Dating in NYC or It Puts the Lotion in the Basket

I have a great life. I have a beautiful apartment, a blessed career, supportive friends and family, and a dog with the bladder control of an Iron Man triathlete. What I don't have is a good old fashioned boyfriend. You know, the kind that holds your hand during scary movies, and dances with you at your friend's weddings, and makes you chicken soup when you are sick. I haven't had one of those in ages. And the last one that I had was a vegetarian who made me Annie's No Chicken Noodle Soup when I had a cold, which if you ask me is just total fucking bullshit, and quite frankly a warning sign that I should have heeded. But that was ages ago now and lately I am finding dating to be a bit of a chore. And I already have a lot of chores.

The problem is that when you work six days a week in the theatre it's tough to find the time to get the laundry done, let alone embark on a meaningful relationship with another human being. (As a sidebar if anyone wants to swing by Park Slope and drop my laundry off at the Fluff and Fold that would be tremendous.) So I find myself turning where many a jaded time pressed woman in her thirties has turned. I am fully immersed in the world of online dating, and let me tell you kids, it is not a pleasant affair. It's like shopping for a weeks' worth of groceries at the Duane Reade. I am seeking sustenance and all I am finding are Easy Mac and Mini Ritz. And I do mean "Mini" here people. It's not pretty out there.

Now look, I don't mean to imply that I am such a great catch, but I think that I am better than Duane Reade level snack foods. I may not be Whole Foods, but I am at the very least Trader Joe's, maybe even Fairway on my better days. And yet this is what I am being offered in the online world. Allow me to offer you a few choice quotes from some of my more eloquent suitors.

This is from LovePa a charming gentleman from Long Island City who had this to offer:

"About myself ,There lot to say about me but there is never enough to say about your self,but I am a very nice guy,quite I dont know what else say ,may be later on."

Well said LovePa. I think that sums things up nicely for me.

Sometimes I just look at the profile pictures to get a sense of people. Here is one of my recent favorites.Not bad, right? If you look closely you can see the woman he keeps in the pit in his basement reflected in his glasses.

Way up at the top of my enemies list is this 28 year old Rhodes scholar from Jersey City who made his openness and availability abundantly clear when he said,

"i dont discriminate ever anyone n everyone feel free to bother the shit outta me on here.. suckas... omg this shit has spell check? geez."

If only his fellow site members had been so observant. Under the category heading of Favorite Books he has listed "not so much on the readin.." Gee, you don't say.

And thus the journey continues. I will keep on keeping on in the hopes that someday my love will ease my sniffles by bringing me a box of tissues and a bowl of soup. And as God is my witness if there is tempeh in that soup there will be fucking hell to pay.