Gods and Demons

I have a problem. It's a serious problem, and I can't hide it from you guys anymore. I have cowered in the closet for too long, sneaking around corners, and exchanging bills for my fix wherever I could get it. I think it is time now that I come clean, really and truly clean, and just lay it all out there for the world to judge. The shame has been eating me alive. The guilt, the evasions, the lies, I just can't go on living like this anymore. And I don't want to disappoint those that love me by pretending that I am "fine" any longer. So I am here today to confess my transgressions, and to pray that some of you out there will be able to empathize with my weakness.
The sad, sorry truth is...

I have a sugar problem.

We're way beyond just Entenmann's here people.

The Sri Lankan guy at the Rock Center Dunkin' Donuts knows my name...my full name.
It's not good.
He smiles at me as he slowly, SLOWLY pours my coffee. This man knows all of my filthy secrets.

"JUST GIVE ME THE DONUTS MAN! I HAVE TO GO TO WORK!"

It's not pretty. I'm not proud of who I have become. I'm a monster, a sugar addict who is likely to fly off into a fit of rage at even the slightest provocation.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE OUT OF CHOCOLATE FROSTED? THIS IS DUNKIN' FUCKING DONUTS! THAT'S LIKE THE MOST POPULAR VARIETY! YOU DON'T JUST RUN OUT OF THEM! IF THERE ARE NONE LEFT THEN I GUESS IT'S TIME TO MAKE THE FUCKING DONUTS!!!"

Oh the shame! The humiliation my addiction has wrought. The looks I receive from the mothers standing between me and terrified children in Maclaren strollers, the brokers in suits still riding their coke binges from the previous night who glare at me like I'm a mildew stain on a shower curtain, even the homeless lady with the twelve plastic bags from Conway seems to look at me and say, "Wow. She is a fucking mess."

I've tried to go without. I've attempted to throw this monkey off of my back in the past. I once went three whole days without eating any sugar. By the end of that third night I was maybe six hours away from spending the rest of my days gluing houses out of popsicle sticks, and eagerly anticipating "Taco Night".

Here's the thing guys. On the whole I actually try to eat pretty well, and I think that I lead a fairly healthy lifestyle. I am still working on the smoking thing (Thank you so much for that recurring demon Mr. Ex-boyfriend) but other than that damage I do pretty well. Other than the occasional Dunkin' Donut sugar catastrophe, I buy my groceries at Westerly, Whole Foods, or the health food store near my house in Brooklyn. I cook at home as often as I can, and when I do I use almost exclusively organic ingredients.

I go to the Farmers Market on the weekends, and I even joined the local CSA in my neighborhood so that I will be able to get organic produce fresh from the farm all summer long. If you guys don't know what a CSA is it stands for "Community Supported Agriculture." Basically you pay a flat fee to the farmer for the season, and every week they bring a basket of organic produce straight from the farm to a spot in your hood where you can go and pick it up. It's a really great bargain and a wonderful way to get the freshest food, and support local farmers at the same time. My farm is called "Hearty Roots Community Farm" in Tivoli, New York so every other week this summer I will know exactly where and how my food was grown.

Now if I could just break the sugar bitch who lives inside of me...all would be right as rain.

And now on a totally unrelated topic, please do the following things.
Think of the following as homework for your heart.

PLEASE watch and sing along to the beautiful Julie Taymor film Across the Universe. I didn't think it was possible for me to love John Lennon anymore than I already did. This film made me fall all over again. Lennon was a prophet and his words ring true now more than ever.

PLEASE go to see the wonderful, amazing piece of Broadway theatre called Passing Strange. It is so innovative, so unique, and it features a tremendously talented cast of actors and musicians who pour their hearts into their performances. It is truly a must see for anyone who loves music or theatre.

And finally check out the book Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. There are three volumes to the series. I am only through the first book and it has completely changed the way I view each and every day of my life. Trust me. Just give it ten pages next time you are at the Barnes and Noble, and I am certain you will want to take it home with you.

That's all I've got kids.
More fun to come.